Absolutely Random

Remembering a dear friend, an ever-encouraging mentor and a faithful brother in Christ

2009-05-30T09:29:00.003+08:00

Started this post a while back but couldn't quite finish it. But today, I think it's a good time to complete it. This is long overdue.

Mar 19 - I received a message from Da, "Hannah, are you there? Mickey passed away this morning."

I looked at his message again and again. What is this? Some kind of sick joke? April's fool was not here yet. But Da, he would not make this kind of joke. I said, "are you sure, Da? How, what happened?" It didn't make sense. How could this happen? I just received an e-mail from Mickey not too long ago regarding the paper that we were working on. He said the paper would fly with few changes. Could it be some kind of mistake? Mistaken identity? I have never known him to be very sick. He was always out and about running around working. Later it was found that he died of a heart attack in Bangkok.

For quite some time, I couldn't really comprehend the fact. Everytime I attended some interesting seminars or workshops in school, I'd think "Man! If only Mickey's here! He'd be sure to love all these neat ideas! He would probably make something fantastic out of this" And then I realized I would not be able to share this information with him and it was sad just to think about it.

I still remember the first time I met Mickey, back in August 2006 at the Phnom Penh Airport, when I set foot on Cambodia for the first time. It was after several months of communication with him that my plan to Cambodia finally came true. Pearly and I went on the trip as sort of a personal mission trip. It was almost 8 months after my first e-mail to him. Mickey came and picked us up at the airport. I remember feeling rather disoriented and anxious and didn't quite know what to expect but somehow it was reassuring to see him coming to pick us up personally. Later on I found out that he usually tried to pick up the guests/volunteers in person if he could. It was his way of easing the newcomers in to this fascinating land called Cambodia.

Looking back, that short 1-week in Cambodia was probably the major turning point of my life. It changed how I viewed mission work and gave me a chance to glimpse into the vision of a great man and his principle of living a life that impacts other lives. His life was one that inspired so many to live by example, and to understand the power of change, if one dares to put principles into practise. Nothing was too difficult for him; if there was a problem, his natural instinct was not to run away but how to solve it. Yet at the same, nothing was too trivia to him; the grass was overgrowing the pathway outside the lab and no one was doing anything about it, so he, the country director, went and cut the grass, even though it was someone else's job. His daughter was working on a science project and didn't know where to start; he took time out to teach her how to use the water testing kit and guided her, even though there were many people waiting to meet with him to talk about things that needed to be done for the day. His boys loved spending time with their dad; he would take them on fishing trips. He always took quick lunches and basically ate to replenish energy so he could get on to the next job. Ming always complained that he never took care of himself and didn't eat at regular time. People, young and old, loved to be around him and to hear what he had to say and I being one of them.

Sometimes (maybe quite often), he would offend people with the things he said when asked for his opinion, and sometimes it would be because of what he believed in, but he would not compromise. He always stood for what he believed in and given an opportunity, he would give his honest view, even though it would not be something that people like to hear. He was one of the hardest working individual I've come across, accustomed to spending his free time on trying to improve things around. When he played, he would play hard too, especially when he was devoting his time to his family. You know, there are some people whom you meet in the course in your life and you can tell when someone is genuine and truthful, confident but not proud, passionate but not overbearing, and Mickey was that kind of person.

The fact that he gave up a good job and a comfortable life in the US and uprooted his family to Cambodia in the 90s, a time when the country was still experiencing political instability with riots and gunshots and curfew being a common experience of life, it said a lot about his character, his courage, his faith and his beliefs. After he went on a mission trip to Cambodia, he made that decision and had never regretted since, because he believed that was where God wanted him to be. I can only imagine what it was like when they first established their home in Cambodia. Life was not as easy now. I remember Wendi, his wife, mentioned before, that they had experienced just about all the illnesses and funny things foreigners typically experienced. You name it, they had gone through it all. There're so many stories that the family can tell you that I'm not sure how long it'll take to hear them all. A story I'll always remember was how they got around town when they first arrived Phom Penh. They didn't have a car then but a motorcycle. Mickey would be driving and Wendi at the back with the twins one on each lap, and the 2 girls one in front and another in between Mickey and Wendi. I think that was the arrangement. So, 2 adults and 4 kids on a motorcycle. How crazy, eh? Even though "multi-stacking" is quite common in Cambodia still, that particular scene doesn't happen very often. Most of the time, it would be 4-5 people on a motorcycle.

God had blessed him with the special gift of generating endless bright ideas. It is absolutely amazing how someone can churn out ideas after ideas all the time. And even more amazing is that the passion never died, although I had seen him disappointed and frustrated. I asked him once what had kept him going all these years, apart from the special calling from God to be in Cambodia and his love for God? I remember asking this one day after he took yet another tour around and spent his precious time with them. Everytime he took a group, that was his time taken away from all the projects that needed his attention. Surely I thought, someone else can take the tour and show the guests around. Why waste the time? Of course, I knew few people around there can do as good a job as him, because he knew everything in RDI inside out and yet fewer can instill the kind of passion and impression that he created when he talked about all the projects going on. He looked me in the eye and said, "it has always been the people, Hannah. Even though very often my effort goes nowhere and worse, people don't appreciate it and it seemed futile, but there will be times something you say will hit something in someone's heart, and who knows? Seeds are sown and the person may just become someone who will make a difference in the lives of the people that I care about." (I'm paraphrasing a bit here of course). And so, he was willing to take tours whenever possible and he would go through the same drill everytime, and he never got tired of saying the same thing over and over again, day in day out, for years.

When I went to RDI the first time in 2006, the studio was still behind his old house. I was totally blown away by the stuff that RDI was doing. Mickey and the team at RDI obviously put in a lot of time and effort to create culturally sensitive life lessons as well as the gospel message. Simply cut and paste something from the western world just would not work in a place like Cambodia. And that was from years of observing the culture and experimenting with what worked and what didn't work. He started the studio work with just him alone. He did everything. And today the studio had blossomed into a reputable part of RDI that is sustainable, with great production like "New World".

I have learned much from Mickey. He taught me that no work is too small, because even something small can make a difference too. He reminded me the importance of people in the things we do. Sometimes we can get too caught up in doing the things that we do and neglect the people around us, when the whole purpose of doing the things are for the people! And it was also why he stressed the importance of doing things the right way. Too many people are eager to do good works but often they're too impatient to do things correctly but rather try to take short cuts and that often ended up hurting the very people they try to help.

Perhaps the important lesson I learned from Mickey is this: live your life to make an impact on others. Live by example with your life; impact lives with your life. And as Christians, that's what exactly we're supposed to do. What is Christian living? To live a life pleasing to God and follow the example of Jesus Christ. Show love and kindness to each other. Care for others. Tell the good news to others. Strive to live a righteous life. His love for God was evident in his gentle love for people by his action and his speech and that was his motivation for doing the things he did. I remember when my church elders came to visit and he showed them around and he shared about his experience with the compost toilet, that everytime he used the compost toilet, it was a reminder that he was doing it for God, because caring of the environment is what God has commanded too. And that was a daily reminder for him. He knew it was difficult to get the Khmers to get used to the idea of compost toilet, so he wanted to start by doing it himself and showed it to the people that it could be beneficial.

I guess I can go on and on about this very brilliant man but I'm afraid it would be too long and I will never post it. So this would have to do for now. His extraordinary life was one that made a difference in the lives of countless people he had come in contact with. I feel so privileged to have met him and had the unique opportunity to work with him for a year, even if it was really too short a time.

I read a post by Darren, a close friend of Mickey's family, and he mentioned that Mickey is the one person that he wanted EVERYONE that he knows to meet. I share the same sentiment. He really was such an inspiration.

Rest in peace, my friend.

"For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing." (2 Tim 4:6-8)

the line between 2008 and 2009

2009-01-01T17:34:00.002+08:00

What did you do in the last hour of 2008 and first hour of 2009? What did you do on the last day of 2008? What does 2008 mean to you? What does 2009 mean to you? Did you make any new year's resolutions? Why do people make new year's resolutions and most of them fail to keep them? What are some of the highlights in 2008 for you? Why does everyone like to watch new year's eve countdown, either on tv or on location? What makes the last day of the year so special? Did you fulfill your new year's resolutions in 2008? Do you remember what happened in 2007's new year's eve? In fact, do you remember much of 2007? Does every year feel the same to you?

Just curious. Please answer them as you would in essay or point form and e-mail to me. You have 30 minutes.

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Fine, don't answer then.

I'm pretty sure I'm getting old. No new year's eve party for me (never fond of going to parties anyway). No longer terribly excited to meet new people (although it's a pleasant surprise when you meet someone new whom you can click with). But that's ok for me.

Watched "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" today with my brother. Quite an interesting show, and a good one to end the year with. I wonder how does it feel to live a life aging backwards.... If you're given a choice, would you like to live younger each day while everyone else is aging?

First day of 2009. For some it's the second day, while some probably still living in 2008. Ain't that funny? Wonder which time zone/countries is the last group to celebrate the start of 2009.

For me, the last thought before I go to bed is .... I thank God that I can spend the crossing of 2008 to 2009 with my family, although I do miss my friends in the far away land... Just want to thank my friends who has made all the past few years so special....and has become my pseudo family in a way. Hope you all know that I'm thankful and am thinking of you. If you're reading this, then you're probably one of the many that's touched me over the years.

Above all, to God be the glory who's made 2008 possible and a special year to me. I sure am looking forward to what He has in store for me in 2009....

Home?

2008-12-27T17:49:00.005+08:00

It's been almost a week since I came back. Strange feeling it is to be back home. Sometimes I wonder if it's really home. What is home? Where is my home? Am I really home? Do I really feel at home? I always feel a bit "out of it" when I come back, even though this is where my family is. It doesn't help that I find uncertainty greeting me everywhere in my new journey. Being a student again is quite a new thing to me, after oh so many years.... I wonder how I'd fare. But that's life, isn't it? You're never sure of anything, and you should never take things for granted. Still, it's hard sometimes. You just get used to doing things certain way and you think it'll always stay this way.

So naturally, it's a bit difficult to get into gear when one's distracted, but I've expected this to happen so I guess I just have to take things slowly. And the Christmas/New Year holiday puts me on holiday mood, so I don't feel like doing anything at all! Everytime I come back to Vancouver I feel sleepy. Almost like hibernating...

Back to this thing called "home". As I was pondering on it, I was suddenly reminded of the verses in the book of Matthew, chapter 6:

19"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

I guess home is kind of like heart, so I asked myself, where are my treasures? If I've stored them in heaven then I wouldn't be so worried about where is home, eh? Or all the other things in life. That was comforting to me and even though the hurdles in life still await me, somehow they don't seem as scary. My biggest treasure here on earth is probably the people that I love. So home is everywhere with them in it.

Gee... my first entry in like... 9 months?? The past few months my brain always felt jammed when I tried to pen something down. Hopefully it'll be better. Trying to polish my brain so it's ready for some serious workout the next little while...

Treasure.....

2008-03-29T22:04:00.004+08:00

Today was one of those special day. A few of us volunteers rented a boat to go around Tonle Sap and we invited a few families to have dinner on the boat. Each family cooked a dish and we all shared the food. Although the view was not spectacular but it was really kind of nice. Nice and breezy. And I guess it's the company that makes all the difference. As I was coming back, riding at the back of the van with Ming Soram and Dotla and Nait and Niet, I couldn't help but thinking how fortunate am I, to be around with these lovely people. Everyday and each experience is different and I hope I treasure each one with care. Certain experience may never be repeated again...

This is also one of the nights that I experienced the worst of the Cambodian experience. My next door neighbour is having one of those "Bon" (a festival/party related to either cultural tradition or Buddhist ritual) and the music is SOOOOO loud that I think anyone that go near the house will suffer hearing damage to a certain degree. Unfortunately, my house is almost immediate next to the origin of the music. The music just seems so much louder than usual. It is almost insane. It's so loud that the glass door/window is rattling and shaking. It is like having your normal pub/discoteque next to your house, except that it's open air and you can hear every single song LOUD and CLEAR and the bass is so powerful that it feels as if your heart is synchronized to the beat. Quite appalling. This is the one thing that puzzles me the most. Why do Cambodians like their music to be blasted so loud like there's no tomorrow, at every wedding, funeral or party. One of the Cambodians told me that it's because they don't like to talk, so they have the music turned up really loud. Plus it'll cover the noises made by those who're drunk.

What a day mixed with both positive and negative experience. Sending off Apple and saying goodbye to her, shopping and preparing for the boat party in the evening and the boat party itself, and even though it really isn't pleasant to lose sleep over the incredibly loud music, I must say that it's been an incredible day.

Bruised...

2008-03-11T20:25:00.004+08:00

So, I spent a fair amount of time last night reading the last bit of "Surviving the Killing Fields: Cambodian Odyssey" and rubbing on my bruises. It was kind of difficult to do it because of the angle and trying to get the maximum lighting to read. A really good book. I was deeply moved by Haing Ngor's story and the details he gave about the tragic genocide during the Khmer Rouge regime in 1975-1979. Such a sad sad story and it wasn't just a story. All that gruesome and unthinkable details actually happened.

Anyway.... back to the story of my bruises and how I got them. On Sunday, I took Bo Bo out for a walk as usual, so he doesn't go mad from not being able to relieve himself. So there we were, doing our usual route through the dirt road at the back of the factory at RDI, and I passed by Yean's house. They have this ugly looking dog named Jamie and she's had so many litters of puppies that no one really knows how many puppies she's had. Well, she seems to have taken a disliking towards Bo Bo for some reason and always either growls at Bo Bo when we walk past Yean's house or simply throws a mean look at him. This day was no different but she actually came out of the house and ran towards Bo Bo and growled at him. I was like, "yeah right, girl, I don't think so. We have the right to walk here." and I just ignored her. This dog.... had the audacity to come from behind and attacked me! Gave a very quick bite and ran away. Bad dog! At first I thought it was just a nib, but it became more painful than I thought afterwards. There was two bite marks but no bleeding. Just a little bit of blood when I tried to clean it after. The next day there were bruises around the bite mark. Come to think of it, Bo Bo was either oblivious like me or was just too scared to protect me. I can't count on him to protect me in times of trouble. Sigh... Anyhow... I still love him..

So, that was the very boring story of my bruise. There's another story of my other 2 big bruises with one on each side of arm near my wrist, and one small bruise on the inside of my left arm. I shall continue to bore you with more details. These nasty looking bruises came from my kungfu lesson. "Wing Chun" to be exact. Jon, a student from England has been learning Wing Chun for 5 years. When I found that out I volunteered to learn from him. Hahahaha... The last lesson we had (I've had 3 lessons so far), I did some blocking moves with him and needless to say, his arms are a lot stronger than mine. I needed to use my arms to block his attack and we did that for a few minutes. Later that evening, the bruises started to appear and Judy was like, "Hannah, what's that on your arms!!?? Stop doing that to yourself!!"

If you know me, you'd know that I can't let any bruises go. I have to rub on them, until they're nice and purplish or red. I used to volunteer to rub bruises for others if I see anyone with bruises. Nowadays I have a little more self control so I haven't done that to anyone here or maybe I just don't notice them... Fortunately or unfortunately, I haven't had any lesson since then. Jon and Fran (fellow classmate) went off to Preak Russei to do some survey shortly after and they're not around for most of this week. I guess I should review/practice on my own.

Well, so that's the end of the story of my bruises. *Yawn*.

Dealing with sorrow....

2008-02-14T23:44:00.002+08:00

Went to a wake this evening. Sophak, my language tutor, her mother passed away suddenly today. Apparently she fell down some time ago and suffered some sort of fracture and got a cast recently. For some strange reason she went from not so well to really sick, after being prescribed some medicine from the hospital. The kind of medical care in this country..... Sigh. I don't know....

Sophak received a phone call probably some time during lunch. Her neighbour told her that her mom wasn't doing well and she should come home right away. So she rushed home. Sadly, before she could get home, her mom passed away. I can't imagine how she was feeling as she received the dreadful call to go home. And how bad she must've felt when she found out that her mom passed away before she could get home to her. What do you say to someone who has to deal with the unexpected death of a loved ones? Dealing with death is painful enough, let alone a sudden one. Such a tragic and freak ...... incident. My heart goes to her. She's one of the sweetest person I've ever met. Always gentle, caring and patient, soft spoken and loved by everyone. So petite and cute. You just want to hug her when you see her. I don't think anyone can say anything harsh to her.

I always enjoy my lesson with her, because she's so patient. It's a great arrangement. I take lesson from her and she does TOEFL class with me. You can tell, she's someone who's genuinely interested in wanting to make a difference for this country. Passion, that's it. Working not because for money (which is rare here), but because of the desire to want to make an impact.

I'm always amazed at how Khmers handle situation like this. Be it death or birth or weddings. Always a laid back attitude, as if nothing better/worse could happen. At times it almost seems.... resigned... She seemed surprisingly composed to me at the wake. I probably wouldn't even be able to speak if I were to go through the same thing.

I'm never good at situation like this. Lack of words compounded by my quiet nature. I guess maybe silence is better sometimes. Some things are lacking in this country, but there're a few things that are not: weddings, births, deaths and illnesses. Those and NGOs....

A sick week....

2008-02-08T06:38:00.000+08:00

Tis been a sick week at RDI. One by one, we all got sick. Well, not all, but quite a few of us. This is one of the reasons why I'm up at 5:30a.m. blogging. When you keep having to run for the toilet every 5 minutes, there's really no sense in getting back to sleep. 5:30 isn't exactly early but my usual waking time is 7-7:30a.

I think I probably managed to get about 3 hours of sleep. For that, I'm grateful that I slept a whole lot for the past few days. The past few days have become a little blur to me, the memories seem to diffuse into one long day. Everything seemed to happen in one day but upon digging deeper and with some effort of concentration, they're actually separate occasions on different days. Fragments of memories seem to weave in and out. It's probably the aftermath of the fever. At one point, my temperature hit 39C and I was beginning to feel delirious. People coming in and out of my house. Judy took such good care of me by giving me cold compress, keeping me company, fetching me water, etc... Now that she left for Hanoi for 2 weeks, the house's starting to feel empty again. Can't imagine how I survived for 6 months before she came.

Last Thursday or Friday, Sophie (a Dutch student) started to feel unwell. Diarrhea, vomiting, and maybe fever. It was strange to see Sophie to be so withdrawn and sedated as she's usually very cheerful and brings joy and laughter with her positive attitude. For some unfortunate reason, she left the country for the weekend, feeling ill. She was sick throughout the weekend. The good thing was that she checked in to a pretty good hotel at a bargain. Actually before Sophie, Judy my housemate fell ill too. She vomited 7 times in a day. Think maybe she had diarrhea too, but she lost about 2-3kg just from vomitting. She was really sick. That probably knocked her out for about 2-3 days??

I became the next victim, although I'm not sure if we all suffered from the same illness. On Tuesday, I started to feel lethargic and guess what, I had no appetite. That is very unusual for me, as I almost always eat what's in front of me. Ate some bread for breakfast with vegemite. Ate a half bowl of soup with rice for lunch and shortly after lunch, I felt the uneasiness around my chest. Later on I found out that it was the prelude to .... days of vomiting, diarrhea and fever.

Fast forward.... It's now Saturday morning, one day after I woke up at 5:30a.m.. I don't think I have ever been so violently sick before. Pretty interesting experience. Last night, I decided to ask Ming to make me some more porridge. I thought I should just have that, since the night before when I had porridge with the pork, my stomach turned into non-stop gas generating factory. The whole night, I felt like there're bubbles in my stomach all the time. My stomach didn't settle until about 1a.m., just before the non-stop diarrhea started...

Anyway, so, my porridge was there. And then I saw the ming's famous fried chicken. They look soooooo good. How can I resist Ming's fried chicken?? By now I was really getting sick of my stomach. I thought, since my stomach is not working well anyway and whatever I eat, it's spitting right back out (I couldn't even eat an orange nor the re-hydration drink safely!), I might as well eat something I enjoy. So I ate the chicken....with the porridge. Almost immediately after dinner, I felt ill, as if I was going to collapse. Went to the lab to get something and after diarrhea-ing whatever's in my stomach, I felt better.

By then, Suar, came to the lab to look at my err...... stool sample, in the parasite lab. I almost got to see what's under the microscope when the phone rang. International call. 3 times. But alas, no matter how fast I picked up the calls, they got cut off. Waited and waited and hoping that the stupid network will have mercy on me for once. In the meantime, I was trying to send some e-mail for Judy, but the network is soooooo slow that it could drive anyone to tears.... It's only a 3MB file!!???

I sat there thinking surely it can't get any worse.... There's nothing I can do but to endure. This is life. Things happen. Sometimes you get sick, sometimes your e-mail don't get through, sometimes you miss an important call, sometimes you get frustrated, sometimes people don't like you.... The list goes on. But whatever it is, life always has a way of getting you. So, move on! It made me laugh for some reason, just thinking about why things can be so bad. Once I laughed, it made me feel better. And I remembered, all the smses and messages on msn asking how I'm doing. J even activated some 17 people to pray for me. Poor J, she became the messenger for different people, but it warms my heart that people care, even from afar.

Despite all the vomiting and the numerous visits to the bathroom, and the feeling of hot and cold alternating, I still managed to do things that made me happy. Like, looking at the face of my stupid dog. I don't know why Bo Bo always have that innocent look on his face! Now that I know, at least when I leave, someone nice will take care of him. And I watched an episode of Coffee Prince.

This morning I read Psalm 139 and I was comforted by it.

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Thank God I'm alive and have all four limbs intact. Health is not to be taken for granted. Do things that please God while you can.

One bored Saturday.....

2008-02-04T22:14:00.001+08:00

Things I do for fun when I'm bored to entertain myself and it's hot outside. Ha ha ha...

Suddenly....

2008-01-15T17:48:00.000+08:00

It's January. I'm panicking. Only 3 more months left. Have I done what I set out to do? What really happened the past few months? All the memories seem to turn into one big blob and I have trouble remembering when and what happened. I really should blog more often, in case the "hard drive" of my memory crashes.

The above was written at the beginning of January. Fast forward and today is January 31, 2008. What happened?? Time sure flies when you're enjoying what you do. Sure it's not always rosy and nice, but the good always exceed the bad times. It's because of all the good and the hope that makes the bad more bearable, if at all considered bad.

Anyway.... I was hoping that I could make my time a little more memorable by posting weekly. I mean, some sort of memories since I don't exactly have too many pictures. There's just not many incentives to carry my big SLR around everywhere. Alas.... I just don't have the luxury of time to do that. Whatever......

The only real story I have for you today is that I managed to chip my tooth during .... guess what, dinner!!?? Not some major accident but because of a fork and greed for more yummy spring rolls. You can hardly blame me. We haven't had the spring rolls made by Ming Supian for some time. I think I must've had like, 6 pieces of spring rolls but no... I took a glance at the spring rolls on the table, and since just about everyone has eaten, I thought I might as well eat more and put more fat on my bum. So I took 2 more pieces and as I was happily eating away and chatting, I took a "heavy" bite and felt the "thud" on my tooth. I probably bit the fork at 90 degrees and somehow the force chipped a small portion of my tooth. Not too visible and you probably can't tell unless you look closely. Still... I kept playing with it and touching it with my hands. Natural reaction. Sort of. Ironically, one of the girls that I was chatting with broke/chipped her tooth before she came to Cambodia, and when I heard that, I was thinking... I wish I don't break any of my tooth anytime soon...

The moral of the story? Don't be greedy and pay attention to what you're biting into. Hahahahaha....

Looking ahead...

2008-01-01T00:41:00.000+08:00

It's funny. It's almost time for next year to arrive and I've yet to have enough time to reflect on what happened this year. When people say time flies... it's really not a joke. But actually time is innocent... it's just doing its job. Not moving any faster, nor any slower. It's all in the mind...

I must say though.... God's been incredibly good to me, and what a fantastic year it's been. He's given me much more than what I asked for.

Just another day...

2007-11-03T22:18:00.000+08:00

You need to be in a certain mood to blog. Actually I don't particularly feel the urge to do so today, but I thought I'd give it a try.

The weather's been real cool today, which is really great. Apparently the rainy season has ended and the cool season has started and will last until January/February. This should be my favourite season in Cambodia. Not too hot, not too cold. Just nice.

I skipped breakfast at the coffee shop this morning, as well as Khmer church, because I was feeling tired. Decided to take a nap after QT. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea, since I don't think I got much sleep. Keep having dreams these days, which is not really a good sign. We studied Matthew 27:45-61 at English church today and verse 46 caught my attention, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" I don't think I can imagine how it was like for Jesus then. It must had been more than painful for Him to be separated from God. Even if it was for a short time, I imagine it must had felt like eternity. I think about how I feel when I feel forsaken, His was probably 100 times worse. Somehow, it's comforting to know that my Lord has gone through the same feeling of being abandoned and loneliness, because that means He knows exactly how I feel and what I need.

Recently I've discovered a bit more about myself. I was disappointed and couldn't understand why I keep fighting the same battle, same issue over and over again. But I realised it's normal. I have to be on alert always but also not to be too hard on myself. It's all about balance, I guess. But there are some new issues emerging which I should start thinking about, something which I'm not very good with. I'm way too lazy for my own good.

Anyway, back to the reason why I wanted to post something. Today, as we were coming back from town, the traffic seemed more chaotic than usual, especially at the circle and all the way to and after the bridge. Shortly after crossing the bridge, as the traffic came to a halt, suddenly we were hit from behind with a loud bang. This poor blue van, which hasn't been in a good shape to begin with, was hit by a guy driving this small little motorbike (which is called Charlie, apparently. May not be the right spelling, but that's how it's pronounced). I guess we were kind of stunned for a few seconds. I turned back and watched the guy, pausing for a few moments to pick up his light that has fallen off and checked his bike, and not once did he even look at the vehicle he ran into, and took off as we were still processing the whole incident, like nothing has happened. We continued on too, thinking (or hoping) that nothing was wrong, but soon, we heard the creaky sound. Obviously, the van suffered some damage. John and Mickey got down to examine the damage and from the look of their face, it didn't look good. I guess if you think about how much smaller the motorbike was, the damage is considered pretty bad...

At least there was no blood. That's one thing to thank for. That I'm well and alive and still kicking.

PNH-SIN-HKG-YVR-HKG-SIN-PNH

2007-10-05T22:26:00.000+08:00

Are you wondering what in the world the title mean? I used to work in a travel agency during summer and kind of have to memorize all the airport codes for different city. At least I learned something during those summers.. If you don't know, go look it up then...

Anyway, that was my itinerary from last month till beginning of this month. I thought I'd have time to write a little something during my break but of course I was wrong.. as usual. Where did my time go you may ask? Well.... let's see, one of the reasons was because I had no ready internet access while I was in YVR. Anyway, I'd rather spend time playing with my little Riley or with my family or friends. I didn't have much to give them but my time.

Actually I don't know what I'm writing about this, but I guess I just want to make sure that it has actually happened by penning it down. In my line of work, if you didn't record it down, it never happened... Work habit, perhaps?

Anyway, I'm grateful for the opportunity to stop not just once but twice in Singapore. A little bit chopped up trip I guess but good enough for me. And I had my jap food bak-kut-teh cravings satisfied! I always think the company makes a world of difference in terms of eating. I particularly miss breakfasts at C's house. Waking up and just sit around and chat. What a treat. Even got to play tennis. I must say, playing tennis at noon in Singapore weather is not what I'd normally do, but for the precious time spent with good friends, enduring the heat seems like a small price to pay. I am so glad I got to meet with so many friends during such a short time. Even got my macbook fixed, and attended a wedding before I left. Sitting in j's car again was more than nice....and having some "interesting" photo shoot hours before I left for the airport... Even managed to squeeze in a really fantastic concert in between. How cool is that!?

The 8 hr stop in HK on the way to Canada could be done away with, but since I chose to fly 2 different airlines, it was just something I had to live with.. The stopover in HK on the way back to Asia was much more worthwhile. I got to spend some quality time with my friends and my aunt. Even managed to meet up with a uni friend within an hour of my phone call. You know how these days, you always have to plan ahead, and it's not every day that people will make the time for you without pre-planning, especially when you're at a working adult of my age.. I'm talking about city folks, of course.. I actually got that a few times during my trip back.. For that I'm thankful to God for giving me such great friends.

What can I say about Vancouver? I was so thrilled to meet my nephew for the first time. I used to think that I don't like babies or toddlers that much (not that I don't like them, but I don't know how to handle them). Actually till now I think I still don't know how to hold a baby properly. I'm quite worried when I have to hold a baby. But Riley.... he's just such a lovely baby. Call me biased, but he's one of the few good natured babies I've met... Not to say that he doesn't get fussy and cry and all that, but.... I guess I am biased. I think I can play with him or look at him all day without getting bored... But of course, I didn't spend ALL day with him like his parents... It's always nice to play with other people's kids, but it's different when it's your brother's kid. Even better.

I really enjoyed spending time with my family. Somehow you learn to appreciate them much better when you're separated from them. Living with my parents again was of course... something new. I stuffed myself with food almost everyday... One night, us four siblings had sushi take-out and I was thinking we must be nuts to order so much but we did ok. Had a few pieces left over but overall not too bad. Even attended a wedding during my stay. I was looking more of my age for once during the wedding, thanks to L for doing my hair and makeup. Weddings are good time to catch up with friends, but also very limited time since you see so many people at the same time, and boom, suddenly time's up. I think I'm really screwed up now in terms of driving. I drove on the wrong side of the road when I started driving for the first time in a while. But when I am in Singapore, I'd want to drive on the right side of the road. Will I ever dare to attempt to drive in Phnom Penh?

Walks at Steveston and going to Richmond A LOT, Pilates with the girls, hanging out at A & D's house.. their dog mocha's such a sweetie, eating Vietnamese food..a lot, singing to Riley and doing my monkey act to entertain him, shopping with L, the excitement of seeing all those jap movies and series in Richmond but then realised I couldn't get any cos of my luggage weight limit....once again realising how cold it can get... going to swimming pool with my mom and watching her doing aerobics with a bunch of other senior folks, being a absolutely lazy bum while living with my parents.... giving massages to all my family members... (except Riley of course cos he's too young), sharing at different churches about my experience and shocked to discover that I couldn't recognise more than 80% of the congregation that I used to worship with (most of all, how much the once-little-kids have grown), seeing EVERYBODY at the wedding was a little overwhelming, even got to talk to those I haven't seen for a LONG time. All these are highlights of my trip. Maybe few people understand what I'm talking about but that's quite ok with me.

Coming back to Cambodia again after the break is great. God's been really good to me. Every place that I've been, there's something enjoyable.

I don't know why I always write such long and boring posting... Do you know why?

Happy Birthday...

2007-08-30T23:06:00.000+08:00

My dear friend,

You know who you are, so I won't elaborate... This post is dedicated to you, since I won't be there to wish you a Happy Birthday on the day itself... Ain't this a great motivation for you to read my blog?? I guess you probably do read, but maybe you're getting bored with my tardiness of updating my blog..

Sometimes when you're too close a friend with someone, you kind of take things for granted. I think sometimes I'm like that too. Forgive me if you ever feel that I take your friendship for granted. You're right. It's really funny how even though we're pretty much different in every way, and yet we share much in common. I don't know if our tastes for things just kind of merge after hanging out so much or we just have the common interests even though we are so different, but I do know that I feel extremely privileged to have you as my friend. I don't even remember how we became friends...It doesn't help that my memory is obviously deteriorating by the day... I remember when we asked you to teach us how to do mimes in preparation for mission trip to Japan a few years ago. I was thinking, gee, such cool things that you could do! Even then, I was impressed at how people like you could teach so naturally. In retrospect, I'm sure God knew that what good friends we would be to each other and how well we compliment each other when He brought us together.

Thank you for the great friend you have been to me. My favourite phrase for you is, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have known much about colours and colour coding and matching... You brought colours into my life! You brought the orange and yellow out of me. :)

Thank you for all the fashion tips and for all the information you think are useless but I find rather interesting. Although I must say... my sense of fashion is rapidly deteriorating without your guidance...

Thank you for all the scolding and nagging and encouragement because you cared, and for telling me the truth when I was out of line even when it hurt. I always think it takes more to be honest and point out the mistakes/problems then to just sit back and not do anything when you see something wrong, knowing full well that it's tough being the "bad guy". But you know what? That's one thing I appreciate the most about you; your strength in doing something that I can't.

Thank you for always taking the initiative to organise things and keeping things together, and for taking the time to care for others. I know it takes a lot out of you and even though sometimes you complain about it, you still do it because of your love for your friends and family and for God. I, for one, are one of those who really appreciate that effort.

I know the past few months have been really difficult for you. I know that sometimes you're trying to be all that you can be to your friends and family and students and everyone else and your strength fails you. You don't have to be all to all... We all have our weaknesses and threshold. Give yourself a break and rely on Him who gives you strength!

Love,

your coolest friend (almost) and also the most "blur"

Star gazing....

2007-08-14T08:29:00.000+08:00

Sometimes the most memorable things in life are free... like star gazing in the field on a clear sky. I shall remember last night always... The simple beauty of life, the gifts of God.

Last night as I was on my way back from teaching English, I looked up the sky and saw the brilliant sky. Numerous stars lit up the sky. And then I remembered Tess said that there was supposed to be meteor shower starting from last weekend. Tonight was like the end of it. I was so excited. Went home to get my camera. You see, the night before there was some nice stars too and I could see them from my house. But by the time I took my camera out, the clouds have beat me to it. Still I took some photos but it didn't turn out well. So last night I was determined to get SOME pictures. How often do you run into meteor shower at the right place and at the right time??

Anyway, I couldn't stop looking at the sky. It was just so... mesmerizing. Looking at the sky is one of my favourite past time activities.

Back to the story.... I got to the compound around 9p.m. and saw a bunch of them watching the sky. But it was still too bright, so we turned off all the lights nearby and took out the pawyi (foldable beds) and at first we were just putting them just outside the dining hall. But then eventually we moved to the newly made volleyball court. That was a great idea. We managed to get much better view. Ma Ma, Mickey's daughter, and a handful other people saw perhaps 10-15 shooting stars. I was going crazy. By the time they saw like 8-10, I still hadn't seen any!! As usual, my reaction is a little slower than... normal people. Everyone would be going, "Oh, oh, did you see that???!!" and I'll always be looking at the wrong place at the exact moment. Unbelievable, eh? Lying in the same vicinity and watching the same sky, but not seeing the same thing at the same time. It's amazing how you can see the power of God in all these wonderful creation. I'm certainly proud that the God I trust is so cool. Putting all the stars in their places and make everything come together so perfectly and lovely. I'm comforted by the fact that if He can create a complicated system like this, then He sure can take care of my problems and needs!

The following Psalm came to my mind last night (actually, it was just part of the chapter, I couldn't remember where it came from. Thanks to the internet, I found it!)

Psalm 8
1 O LORD, our Lord,
how majestic is your name in all the earth!
You have set your glory
above the heavens.

2 From the lips of children and infants
you have ordained praise
because of your enemies,
to silence the foe and the avenger.

3 When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,

4 what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?

5 You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings
and crowned him with glory and honor.

6 You made him ruler over the works of your hands;
you put everything under his feet:

7 all flocks and herds,
and the beasts of the field,

8 the birds of the air,
and the fish of the sea,
all that swim the paths of the seas.

9 O LORD, our Lord,
how majestic is your name in all the earth!

I was thankful that I had the opportunity to participate in such an interesting and memorable event... and with a cool bunch of people too ... It was awesome!

On a side note, there was a "small" accident. As usual, I was a little clumsy and accidentally dropped the pawyi as I was trying to fold it in the dark. It cut some skin off Adam and blood splashed everywhere. Just kidding, it was no Kill Bill.. Still, that was awful.. I felt terrible!! Hope it won't be too big of a problem...

There's no shortage of...

2007-08-09T21:03:00.000+08:00

1. Poops - you name it, all kinds of animals; cows, horses, dogs, birds, lizards, etc. Horses really poop a lot. I mean each time. Cows do pretty well too. Mickey built a basketball court not too long ago, and the dogs just LOVE to do their duties there...

2. Dust - absolutely no shortage of THAT in Cambodia. I've kind of stopped cleaning my house. The dust will always be there, no matter how much I clean it. Don't get me wrong, the house is still in a reasonable shape with Nara cleaning it twice a week. I just can't do it everyday...

3. Things falling apart or breaking - shoes, phones, equipment, shirts, cameras, whatever. My phone, for example. It has miraculously recovered lately, although only for a day. I'll wait and see if the magic continues...

4. Dirt on your clothes - especially the white ones.. That's why one has to keep buying new clothes..

5. Stars - on a good day, there're so many stars that you just want to lie down on a field and do nothing and watch the stars.

6. Copies - same same but different! You can get a "copy" for just about everything, eh? ipod, Sony mp3 player, Columbia pants, Adidas tees, North face backpacks, Crocs.... Heck, even WHO guidebook for drinking water, and of course, most of all, movies and CDs. I don't think you can even find original ones here. I must say, the ipod shuffle look almost exactly the same as the original.

7. Sweat - usually it's piece of cake for me to sweat like a pig, but lately the weather's been so cool that sometimes I can go through a day without breaking a sweat!

8. Smiles - I think I've been too conditioned by life in the city. Sometimes I forget to smile. But the Khmers... they don't.

9. Power failure - that should happen at least a few times a day or every other day.

10. Unstable internet connection - sometimes you get it, sometimes you don't. Teaches me to be patient.

11. Beautiful sunsets.... What can I say?

12. Cheap and good stuff - food... clothes.. for the price you pay, the quality is good enough.

13. On a more serious note, contaminated water source - wells that are supposed to help people ended up poisoning them. Yesterday Mickey and John went to another village to check out cases of arsenic poisoning. Apparently it's really bad. Just 5 years of putting in the wells and the villagers are already showing advanced symptoms of arsenicosis. This is probably the 2nd or 3rd villages that have alarmingly high cases of arsenicosis. The question is, shouldn't the one who put in the wells be responsible to do something about it? Putting in wells without checking if the quality of the water is safe. It may cost a little bit but compared to the cost of putting in a well??

Cambodia is an interesting country. Actually RDI is quite an interesting place too. I 've learned a lot here, even though I don't always have time to pen down what I've learned.. This place grows on you after some time. It's funny how I've grown from knowing almost nothing about the country to learning to appreciate and love this place and the people here, even if there're so many things that're less than perfect. But really, there's no such place as the perfect place. Not if you're not content with what you have...

Actually, I really wanted to write about something else, but... this will have to do. I kind of forgot what I wanted to write about. As usual. There's a hole in my brain.

Typical Week - Part II

2007-07-21T11:33:00.000+08:00

Ok, let me see... where was I? Oh, the weekends..

Saturdays
Saturdays are usually pretty laid back. For the past few weeks I've been working in the lab on Saturdays. Not all work of course. Sometimes I'd just be checking my e-mail, surfing the net while trying to kill the annoying mosquitoes with the cool mozzy bat. Sometimes I'd do some water testing if there're a lot of samples to process or do some experiment in the lab or something.. Last Saturday Mickey was running the AA (atomic absorption) machine to analyze for Arsenic and I decided to just stick around and help and learn. We did more than 40 samples, which made Mickey really happy. The AA machine hadn't been working so well and this was probably one of the first time that it did so well. The bad news was... just when I felt confident enough to run the AA by myself, it bailed on me.. Half way through calibration, I saw sparks coming from somewhere under the machine and I smelled smoke. Needless to say, I was shocked, so I turned off everything. I thought, "oh no, what have I done?? Did I do something wrong and blew the equipment?? This is one of the most expensive piece of equipment in this lab. Even though it is old and second hand. Feeling somewhat guilty, I told Mickey and he came in
to look at it. The good news was, it seemed like it was the UPS system feeding the furnace of AA machine that got burned. I really hope so.... So now we just have to spend a few hundred bucks fixing the UPS instead of thousands of dollars for AA...

So anyway, as I was saying... Saturdays are... pretty free and easy. Sometimes we'd go to town if there teams are here. We'd bring them out to do something fun or interesting, like visiting the market, going to the hair shop, river cruise on Mekong River, or for the newcomers, we'd bring them to the Killing Field and Touls Sleng. Which is what happened today. A group of high-schoolers came from Springdale for about 10 days.

The usual routine for Saturday evenings is USA Donuts. Mickey is a creature of habit so if there's no special plan, dinner on Saturdays is always at this place in town called USA Donuts. It's near Central Market (Phsaa Thmay). Lately though, Mickey found this place which we call it the Chinese Noodle shop. The boss is this Chinese lady who doesn't seem to speak much Khmer at all. She relies on her workers to translate for her. It's basically Chinese ramen. Just about everyone's impressed with how they make the noodles. The pulling and twisting action of the noodles. And for the price you pay, the noodles are surprisingly tasty.. Each bowl is like US$1. So sometimes we'll go to the chinese noodle shop if the mood is right.

Oh, sometimes on Saturday mornings I'd clean my bicycle, or clean my Crocs.. And I feel up to it, I'd clean my house. Even though I have someone clean my house twice a week, it still get pretty dusty. Of course, since I don't usually clean it except sweeping of the floor. It's amazing how dusty Cambodia is....

Sundays
Ah... Sundays.. Breakfast as usual, although not as early as weekdays. After breakfast I'd usually attend the Khmer house church at 9a. Even though I still don't understand what they're saying most of the time, I think it's good to just be with them.
So, what is Sunday service like at Khmer house church? Well, they'd usually start off with the traditional Khmer greeting, "cum riep sue" with the two hands together, much like the Thais. Then they'd sing a song, all in Khmer, of course. I still haven't gotten round to get the lyrics down so I can sing with them too. After that is usually a time of sharing or prayer reqeust or thanksgiving. I can't remember if they do the memory verse before or after. But yes, every week, they have a memory verse and everyone is free to recite the memory verse of the week. Before sharing of a bible passage, they'd sing another song. The leader who shares about the bible passage is Bu Dee, Ming Supian's husband. I think he's taken over after Suen, the previous leader, passed away. Suen is Bu Dee's brother in law. After the sermon, it's bible story time. Pii Ruen or someone will read from a Khmer bible story book. At the end of the service, they'd sing a song for offering.

After Khmer church, there's English church at about 10:30a. English church is also a house church, at Mickey's house. Format is similar to Khmer church. Church is comprised of Mickey's family and all other Christian volunteers. The format is much simpler. We'd start off with a series of songs. Whoever has a song will lead the group to sing the song. Generally we sing in acapella, but sometimes we have visitors who'd play the guitar as accompaniment. After songs is a time of prayer request and thanksgiving. Whoever feels moved to pray would pray and Mickey would end the prayer. Following the prayer is a time of studying the scriptures. We have been doing the book of Matthew for the past few months. Mickey generally starts off by sharing what he has learned from the scriptures after which he'll open the time for anyone to share what he or she has learned. Church ends usually with Zay (short for Isaiah, Mickey's son) leading us with any song that he has in mind.

After church, we'd usually head to THE noodle shop for lunch. This noodle shop is not the same as the Chinese noodle shop. It's located in town, and the food is cheap and good. My personal favourite is "Loc Lak" (rice with pan fried beef cubes and some excellent sauce; salt and pepper and you squeeze some lime juice on it) and the stir-fried noodles. Why do they start calling it THE noodle shop? Because they sell noodles and I guess it's easy to call it that way. Hahaha... There's actually a Chinese name for it.

After lunch, we usually head to Lucky, our favourite supermarket, not just to buy groceries and other necessities but also to use its washrooms since they're nice and clean! These days I've been buying more and more snacks, to eat in the lab and to share with my fellow colleagues. I also use the snacks to keep my TOEFL class awake. It's just difficult to stay awake after lunch... Let's see, after Lucky is The Market! Phsaa Tul Tumpou or Russian Market. After going there so many times, week after week, you'd think that I'd be bored, but it's not that bad. I still have fun every week. Sometimes when I don't need anything I'd just wander around... Russian Market is where we get our dose of DVDs and CDs. So far I have not seen any place that sells genuine movie DVDs or CDs so I guess this would have to do. Surprisingly, I haven't bought that many movies. In my 3-month stay, I've only bought about 10 movies. Haven't bought any TV serials so far which I'm quite glad. There's just not that much time to watch movies. I haven't even come close to finish watching the drama series I brought from Singapore! Most of the time, I'd watch movies with the volunteers in the lab on computer with projector. There's something comforting about watching documentaries with a group of people. Planet Earth is the favourite series. Just about everyone buys a copy of the series when they're here.

After the market it'd be time to head back to the village. Dinner is usually at Mickey and it used to be sandwiches, but after Michal (Mickey's eldest) started making chilies, we've switched to having chilies for dinner on Sunday nights. This version of chilies is similar to spaghettis, but with beans and chilli powder. Sometimes after dinner we'd watch an episode of Planet Earth or some movies.

Well, I think that's about sums up my typical week in the village.

Typical Week - Part I

2007-07-17T18:48:00.000+08:00

So, anyone interested in knowing what is my typical week out here in Kien Svay, a district in Cambodia? Incidentally, Michelle also wrote about her typical week. Not that I'm trying to copy her, but... well, I thought it'd be fun to tell my stories.. and bore you at the same time! It helps me to remember what I'm doing.. Sometimes I lose track of time.

Typical day
Typical morning will start with breakfast at the coffee shop near RDI. Usually that's the place where the activities of the day are planned, for volunteers or groups. Most of the volunteers and groups eat breakfast at THE coffee shop starting from around 7:30a. That's the place where the RDI staff discuss what's going to happen or for everyone to find out what and who and how, etc...

I guess I should dedicate another post about the food at THE coffee shop. My favourite is rice with pork and soup and pickles.

After breakfast I'd normally head to the lab, which is where I usually work and check some e-mail. Sometimes when I'm free, I'd check the progress of the project with the lab staff who're working on the Arsenic project and see if there're any problems. They're Leak, Sukorn and Konkhea. 9a is when my Khmer lesson starts and ends around 10a. I'm using a book called "Modern Spoken Cambodian" by Franklin E. Huffman. I have 2 tutors, Vanthoen (Monday, Wednesday, Friday) and Sophak (Tues & Thurs) and both are RDI staff. Sophak is an accountant but also doubles as secretary for administrative work at the moment since the previous secretary just left to go to the US to get married last month. Sometimes they swap if one is busy on that day. Sometimes I don't get any lesson when they're busy.

Lunch is usually at Mickey's house, for most volunteers, except those who have families and eat at home. After lunch, I'd head to the lab for the TOEFL class. There're about 4-6 students. Class is supposed to start at 12:45 and end at 1:30, but very often we'd start late and end slightly late. I try to avoid ending late so it doesn't cut into their work time.

Work ends officially at 4:30p.m., but of course, for people like us, long term volunteers, RDI team, work and play and personal time kind of overlap.

On Mondays and Wednesdays, I'll try to spend about 1/2 hour with the kids from neighbours' and teach them simple English from about 5p. Some days I skip, some weeks I'll do more days depending on my work.

Dinner's usually around 6 plus at Mickey's and can last anywhere till 8 plus, if people are free . Sometimes teams will stay back after dinner to chat or play games or just hang out.

After dinner, on Mondays and Wednesdays, I teach English to village teenagers at Min Sooka's house. Both Min Sooka and her husband Sarreun are part of the Khmer church members and also two of the four leaders in training. On a typical week, I teach English on Mondays and Wednesday, whereas Caleb teaches Tuesdays and Thursdays. But these 2 weeks I've been covering all 4 nights because I'm covering for Caleb, since he's gone on vacation covering Singapore, Malaysia and Thailand... We all call him Junior. Because he acts like one sometimes... :)

Lately I've been sleeping later and later, which is probably not a good sign. When I first started out here, I'd go to bed like 9 plus or 10p and wake up before 7a. Nowadays I'm sleeping at close to midnight and wake up at 7 plus. I used to have the false impression that life at the village is very free... But that's not the case here. Life is bustling with activities here. Plenty to do, if you want to.

Wednesdays

For the past 2 weeks I've been joining the bible story telling night on Wednesdays. Mickey teaches the villagers bible story, sometimes with actions and it helps them to remember the bible teachings, and there's usually a time for discussion on the things they learned or any questions they may have. Most are Christians from the Khmer church, but sometimes non-believers join in too, out of curiosity or interests. Some of the point or things they learned they brought up are pretty cool. Things that I never thought about, and it makes me think that I don't think hard enough about the things I learned from the bible.

Fridays

Fridays are normally movie nights... along with some other nights if there's enough time and people are keen. For the past little while, we've (volunteers) been watching the Planet Earth series by BBC, which I absolutely love. Documentaries about all parts of the earth.

Prayer Newsletter for June

2007-07-17T18:19:00.001+08:00

Thanksgiving and Update
What an exciting month it has been! I was able to hang out with my church friends from Singapore for a week this month on a mission trip. I didn’t realize how much I miss speaking Singlish or mixed languages until I met them. It was a timely encouragement and also a privilege to be able to work with a dedicated group of people on the mission trip. I was also thankful to have some time off to visit Vietnam for a few days after the mission trip.

For a while, I’ve been wondering why I’m involved so much with teaching English to the Khmers. Because that certainly wasn’t my intention. Nor was it my “forte”. But I realized that perhaps God have plans for me to work with a specific group of people, which is the young ladies in the lab and the office. And it is amazing because it seems I have come in at the right time, since there was no one else in the RDI team who could do that due to age, cultural and gender factors.

I’m starting to build closer relationships with some of the local staff, such as my Khmer tutor, Sophak, a really sweet girl, who’s also one of the students in the TOEFL class and a non-believer. She mentioned once that she was looking for ways to obtain inner peace by going to a guru who teaches how to get peace from within. I have difficulty to make her understand that she’s looking at the wrong place. Pray for better communication and the right time and right words to witness to her.

Please pray for one of the girls in my English class, Vanny, who is a believer. Her brother (Sopheak), a non-believer, is a drug user and has caused much grieve to the family. He’s been taken to a rehab centre. Pray for change of heart.

The English class for the village teens are going well. I think the maximum no. of students that have turned out so far was about 30, which is quite a handful to handle. I have decided to take a break from learning dry stuff like verbs because they have problems catching up and switch to learning some songs and playing some games.

Advanced case of arsenicosis (arsenic poisoning) or so called “black foot disease”.

Next month there’ll be a group of 15-20 high school kids coming to build a rainwater harvesting tank at Preak Russey (Russey means bamboo), one of the 2 villages with arsenic poisoning cases identified. Praise God that the village head and school principal have agreed to let the school be used to house the volunteers. So the group will take turns to stay at the village (instead of travelling, which may be a life changing experience for some. I may be staying with them for some of the nights while they’re at the village. Preak Russey is an example whereby good intention isn’t always a good thing. Some 10 years ago, some NGO put tube wells at this village without checking the water quality. Consequently, the villagers have been drinking arsenic contaminated water and thus the arsenic poisoning.

Filters that I’m working on.

One thing that RDI works very hard is raise the awareness of cases like this and to provide information and recommendation to any NGO. For example, an ongoing project is the development of drinking water quality index. Essentially the plan is to map drinking water quality for the entire country. This will be particularly helpful for NGOs that come in and want to put in wells for villages, and they can refer to the map and determine the best location or whether it’s a good idea at all to put in wells.

One exciting thing about the project I’m working on (assessing the performance of arsenic removal filter) is that we have stumbled upon some new technique that may be a viable solution to removing arsenic. The current technology that I’ve been working on doesn’t seem to give very good results so this is a good news. Current technology uses rusted nails and laterite as media to remove arsenic. Now we’re looking at using “cooked” sand as media.

There’re always many interesting projects going on at RDI, and most of which are impacting the lives of the locals as well as the volunteers. I can see God using people of all skills and background and doing some amazing stuff.

Prayer Items
1. Language - learning curve is slowing down. It’s difficult to focus with so many things going on.
2. TOEFL & English class - for continual growth of friendship and chance to share the gospel, especially the young ladies and girls. TOEFL class is having a regular turnout of 4-5 students and English class for the village teens about 20-30 students.
Spiritual health - When I’m tired, I really slack in keeping up my bible reading and I’ve only just started doing bible study on my own.
3. Project work - The lab is shorthanded this month and work gets piled up. One critical instrument is not working well.
4. To juggle between project work, teaching TOEFL and English, and learning Khmer. It can be quite taxking.
5. Working with different cultures - wisdom and sensitivity in dealing with people of diverse background.

During RDI staff retreat. These are students from TOEFL class. Most are from the lab. Sophak, my tutor is on my left.

On the ferry. Visited Lvea Em with Health and Medicine crew

Bike riding...

2007-06-22T22:58:00.000+08:00

Went bike riding with Date and Parker today. We decided to venture and went to a trail that none of us has been before. It turned out to be a rewarding experience. Not many houses and the scenery was pretty nice. Pretty and peaceful. Nice fields. Not too sure what they plant in the fields, but according to Date, most are vegetations. Surprisingly, there aren't many rice fields around.

I wish I had a camera with me. Unfortunately my camera phone's betraying me so I haven't taken any photos since I changed phone.

Watched Planet Earth after dinner at Mickey's, and this episode was about Caves. Pretty amazing and fantastic footage, man. One of the caves featured is in Borneo. I wonder if it's in East Malaysia or Indonesia. And there's this cave that is like 400m deep, and they filmed some people doing parachuting. Pretty crazy stuff.

After watching the episode, I decided to come to the lab to check on my filter. This particular filter is taking more than 12 hours and I wonder if the sample I take is representative at all. Because it's taking so long, I haven't been able to get the actual time it takes to filter the water..

Now I'm alone in the lab. Parker and Andrew are not around. It feels a little weird to be here alone. The journey home can be quite irritating. The stupid dogs just go nuts at night, and they're sexist! When I pass by with a guy, they don't bark at me. But when I pass by alone, they will bark and come and chase me. Earlier tonight I was almost bitten. Or they look like they were going to. Maybe I should take the long way and avoid them. Alright... I should go to bed. Time to go home. Ciao.

Rain...

2007-05-22T08:02:00.000+08:00

Seriously, I think I'm running out of things to write about. There must be something wrong with me. I think I'm no longer funny or interesting. I've evolved into a boring serious clueless old woman... That's bad... But that's something to laugh about... Ok, so the part about clueless has always been true... Hahahaha....

Nowadays when I actually have time to sit in front of the computer by myself, I just don't feel like writing. It doesn't help that I seem to spend more time running around here. And I'm definitely getting tanned! By the way, did you know that girls in Cambodia are obsessed with becoming "white"? They like having lighter colour skin. I think the obsession is generally quite prevalent in Asia. When I was watching local tv programs at the hotel, there were many commercials about what you can take/use to have whiter skin. It was quite funny... Anyway, I think I'm going to start to do what the girls here do... wear long sleeved shirts or jackets when they go out. Not for the sake of preventing myself getting tanned... but to protect my skin! I can never remember to put on sunblock when I go out... And sometimes I can't predict if I'll be under the sun for long...

Anyway, I've totally detracted from my original post.... I wanted to tell you guys about my day. Went to Lvea Em yesterday to help with doing some interviews for Marc and Ann. Brittney (a volunteer who's staying with me for a month) and I were tasked to interview some villagers there and ask them some questions. They wanted to show these video clips to their churches in the States that many people in places like Lvea Em in Cambodia have never heard of the name of Jesus or have very little contacts with Christians. I guess this is to expose the Christians in the churches about mission work. Before the interview we helped with the RDI staff with some health and medicine work, like checking their blood pressure, giving them some herbal medicine and cleaning some wounds.

So far, the results of the interviews have been surprising. Almost everyone we interviewed said they have heard the name of Jesus, but their understanding of Jesus and Christianity is... not much. Some of the things they mentioned were pretty sad, about Christians. I'd have to see the actual translation to decide if what I heard was actually true.

On the way back, we were caught in a heavy rain, and ALL 8 of us got completely soaked.. I'd have never imagined that it could be that cold outdoor in Cambodia. As we were waiting for the ferry to get us back to the other side of the river, we could see the rain line approaching us fast... It was pretty cool actually. This was my second time getting caught in a heavy rain. Even though we were "sheltered", it was useless. The wind was so strong that everyone on board got thoroughly wet, except for those who worked on the ferry, who quickly put on their raincoat. For a moment, I thought we weren't going to make it back and that we'd have to spend a night at the village. And that would not be funny... because the roads would be so muddy that our vehicle would probably be stuck in the mud anyway... God was gracious, the rain subsided as we reached the other end of the river. I remember looking up the sky and saw the sky and there was this beautiful light shining amidst the dark clouds and heavy rain and I thought how wonderful God has been. It was quite reassuring.

A nice surprise at the end of the day when Date and Ma Ma brought out some cakes they made for me. I showed my driver's license to Date the day before and I guess she saw some information... So they decided to make some cakes. I didn't expect it at all. Anyway, after certain age, it really doesn't make any difference anymore. Just another day. Didn't really tell anyone since I didn't really know anyone all that well.... You don't really go up to people and say, hey yo, it's my big day tomorrow or something... That was very sweet of them. Good kids they are...

Last weekend...

2007-04-28T13:23:00.000+08:00

Went to the beach last weekend. The Sampsons and 2 other families went to Sihanouk Ville for a wedding and I tagged along. Sihanouk Ville is quite a popular destination for the Khmers for holiday. The beach! We had to stop the van on the way there because one of the tires gave way! A huge chunk of the rubber came off and we were all alarmed by the "thud" sound. Good thing the spare tire was in place...

It was a nice break from the heat... For the most it was pretty good, since we had air-conditioned rooms! It was so hot and the sun looked like it could fry many eggs that I decided not to swim... Not to mention that I have yet to buy my own sunblock. I weighed the options between fun and sunburn... I chose to stay under the shades... But it was pretty nice to walk along the beach in the early morning with Date and Madelyn. Originally we intended to catch the sunrise but woke up a little too late... because we played Big 2 until past midnight... So we only caught the mosquitoes instead... Hahaha.... That was the only other thing I didn't quite appreciate... As I was listening to my ipod nano and enjoying the lovely views of the sea, there were the annoying mozzies following us.... Kinda spoiled the fun....

I was kind of shocked when I discovered that I started peeling on the way back on Sunday. On my ears! I was like... what the? I didn't go under the sun very much and I didn't even go swimming! Could the sun be so powerful that my ears got burned even when I was in the shades?? Then I realised maybe it was because I was burned by the iron bar thingy a few times when Date was trying to do my hair for the wedding dinner.

Speaking of the dinner, it was one of most bizarre wedding dinner I've ever attended. They painted the bananas silver and gold!?! Lots of weird people at the dinner.. It was the wedding of the DM (dive masters) that the family had for diving trips. Mind you, they weren't Khmers. Dutch and British. Real interesting people at the dinner. Divers, (most of whom I know) drink beer like water and smoke like a chimney. We had to tell the waiters and waitresses a few times that "No, thank you, we don't need beer here". I was quite glad when they said, "ok, let's go. Eli needs to sleep. He's tired". Eli (Elijah) is this cute boy of Marc and Ann, also volunteer staff of RDI. He's really cute and good looking but rather shy. I'm trying to get him to warm up to me so I can play with him. Not doing a very good job, though..

Continued...

2007-04-19T17:33:00.000+08:00

As I was saying... I played some local games and had some fun during the Khmer New Year. On Sunday night, I played a game called "Hit the pot" when translated literally. Basically they buy these cheap clay pots which are shaped like vase. Inside they'll fill with goodies like candies, biscuits and what not, and sometimes they'll fill with powder or water. They'll then hang it up with strings supported by poles. The pots are hung via a stick, basically, and the stick is tied to strings. So, whoever wants to play the game will be blindfolded and turned around a few times and he/she will have to head towards the pots and try to hit it. Of course, people will try to help and give direction so he/she doesn't go off course and hit someone! I thought it'd be quite difficult to hit it but I did the jackpot! Hee hee.. Unfortunately I didn't take any pictures. It was too dark anyway.

After dinner on New Year's day, the powder attack began... Much like the Thai New Year, they put powder on your face or neck as a tradition. But here, people are more aggressive. I was attacked many times, mostly by kids, and I tried to get some of them too. Everyone was covered in baby powder by the end of the day.. Some kids even sprayed ice cold water on people!

The other fun thing I did was this home made slip and slide, like a water slide, except that it's horizontal. Basically you just keep spraying water to keep the surface wet and slippery and try to slide on it. I think I had too much fun and sprained my neck muscle a little and I had some trouble turning my neck.. But it's a lot better now ...

Oh, and I discovered there're three puppies at the house next door. So cute! I wonder if I can have a dog when I move to my new place...

Next week I'm going to try to start a TOEFL class with the lab staff, hoping that this would help them in passing their TOEFL score. There are scholarships available for them to study abroad but they first have to pass the TOEFL score. Do pray for wisdom in building up friendship with the people slowly and the opportunities to share with the staff. I hope I don't mislead them in their TOEFL preparation! Knowing that my English isn't all that great. The last time I did my TOEFL test was like, 14 years ago!!?? I can't even spell properly these days without spell check. Heck, I can't even write properly. Getting so used to typing on the computer that I have trouble getting make my already messy handwriting legible...

New experiences...first Khmer New Year...Heat..

2007-04-16T15:40:00.000+08:00

What a day it's been... They said this is the hottest month when I first came last week, I was thinking, "this ain't too bad, I can do this..." But the past few days, and especially today just proved me wrong....

It was Khmer New Year on Saturday, and it'll be holiday till... at least today (Monday). Some will be back to work tomorrow, Tuesday but most should be back on Wednesday. Since it was holiday and no one was working, I decided to help out Ben, a pHD student from Stanford University on his project on Arsenic, together with Caleb and Jenny. We went to take some water samples from the well nests Ben made in the field at a village nearby. Each well nest has like 3-4 well tubes ranging from 2 - 15m deep, and we were to take samples from each well.

Caleb, Ben, Jenny (Left to right)

Ben's project will help people to understand why Arsenic is behaving the way it is here, hopefully. I saw he made a profile map of Arsenic concentration and it's pretty interesting! And I just discovered Google Earth..

Anyway, after working under the sun for like 5 hours on Saturday, I thought that wasn't too bad until today when we went to the field again. It was so hot that even though we only worked for like less than 3 hours in the field, it felt like a whole day, and I was soaked..in sweat. It was 35C. I was quite glad that I remembered my sunglasses.

Basically no one, really, was working in the field. After learning our lesson on Saturday, we made sure we brought lots of water with us so we don't get dehydrated. Poor Jenny, she felt sick on Saturday which I think was probably due to the heat and dehydration.

Today was the worst I've experienced, in terms of heat. It was REALLY hot. I must've lost more water in a day than I've ever had today. Even though I keep drinking water, I still feel kind of dehydrated. It doesn't help that I've been having diarrhoea...

Shall write more about the games I played during Khmer New Year next time.

6th Day in Cambodia!

2007-04-12T10:59:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I'm amazed at how slow time pasts but sometimes it goes very fast.. Now, if I tell you what I've been doing you'll probably fall asleep reading it. It can be pretty boring.. I suppose I should write something interesting so that SOMEONE will leave SOME comments on my blog... Come to think of it, I don't read other people's blog too often too.

So, I'm sure some of you are DYING to know what I've been doing. Well, you'll be glad that I haven't been doing nothing. It's been better than I thought. At first I thought I'd be doing nothing much in the first week. Getting settled down and all that.. Not that I've done a lot. Just.... stuff.

I've been staying at the country director, Mickey's house. Although I'm supposed to move to my new place, I can't do that until the current tenant, who's also another volunteer, moves to his new place... It's a little complicated. Something to do with putting a roof on the other house. The reason why they're putting me up at this place is because it's nearer to RDI's office so it's safer and more convenient, which is very nice of them. God is good!

Anyway, so, I've started working. Kind of. Started working on these test filters with some media in it and checked for flowrate and the removal efficiency of Arsenic. There're 2 Khmers that I work with now. One's still an Engineering student, Vorleak and the other is RDI staff, Kong Khea. The spelling is all weird so I never know the exact spelling. Only the pronounciation. Khmers are pretty friendly bunch of people.

My typical day would start with waking up at 6:55a.m. and breakfast at the coffee shop around 7:30a. The coffee shop is like the place where everyone hangs out in the morning. All the volunteer groups and all.

Work starts at 8:30 and lunch break's from 12p-1:30, and usually ends at about 4:30p. It's pretty flexible here, so it's up to your own discipline to get your work done. My favourite time of the day is to go watch soccer after work at about 5 plus. A bunch of kids (and some adults) play soccer without fail everyday, I think, at the field nearby. Some of the volunteers go there and play too, like Jenny and Caleb, who are both Americans. If I'm not wrong, Jenny's from Michigan and Caleb's from Kentucky. Jenny's been here for about 3 months, I think, but will be leaving next Friday; something which she said she's not prepared to do. Caleb's been here for 8 months and is on a 2-year term. They usually play till about 6 plus or when the sun sets. Yesterday the score was like, 14-9! Although I don't know much about soccer, I think they're pretty good. Sometimes I think I know what's going on but sometimes it's a bit confusing.. Someone said that it's jungle rules out there. Anything goes..

Maybe one of these days I'll try playing soccer with them too.

Last night I went to observe the English class conducted by Jenny. She's been teaching a few teenagers English with bible stories. Quite a relaxed and informal setting with about 12-15 of them who showed up. By teaching the bible stories, she taught some vocabs and some grammar rules and of course with the aim of building up friendships with the kids. Towards the end of the class, the wind started blowing and I and Jenny looked at each other and was like, uh oh..... It's going to rain! And looked like a heavy one too. So we quickly ended the class and rushed out to get on the bikes and headed back. It already started raining but started pouring heavily halfway. I missed a turn and almost lost my way. It's usually pitch dark at night here, so one must carry a torch light at night. Good thing I carried a super bright LED flash light from Mickey's. Even before I got home, I was soaking wet through and through. I was like, "oh no, I just put on my clean shirt!". When I got home I realised that my t-shirts and pants were covered with spots of mud. I guess a 3-5 min bike ride home can get you pretty muddy on a rainy night.

Something that you're never short of here is endless dust, as all who've been to Cambodia would know. When it rains, they turn into mud. After some time, you can care less if you're "dirty". There's no way to avoid it, so just get used to it. It's quite a norm to go around with clothes stained with dirt. But I don't mind. Finally I can be messy for a good reason. Although the girls here are pretty neat, which put me to shame...

Finally....

2007-04-08T18:25:00.000+08:00

I've reached safely in Cambodia yesterday evening. It was a bit of a scare when I didn't see the person in charge when I reached but thank God that He had everything under control! I'm now staying with the director's family temporarily. I just went and saw what'll soon be my own place and should be moving in the coming week. God is good, He has provided a place for me that is near the office of RDI.

Thank you all for your prayers, which I think I'd need a lot the next little while as I try to settle down and learn to fit in. For those who came to send me off at the airport, thank you so much. Really appreciate you taking the time out to send me off. It meant a lot to me to see you there.

For those who called/dropped by/sms your well wishes and those who gave your wonderful gifts, thank you so much! It's been a really great encouragement to me. I'm sorry I didn't get to reply or spend much time with you. It was quite a mad rush getting ready for the trip.

Would really appreciate your continual prayer support. It was harder to leave my comfort zone emotionally, than I thought. Pray for courage as God prepares me along the way.

Blog

2007-03-23T00:05:00.000+08:00

These days just about everyone has a blog. Everyone. Ok, not EVERYONE but MANY. From young to old... I wonder if it's here to stay. I guess the internet is slowly becoming more than part of our lives. Instead of asking, "So, what is your address?" becomes "So, what is your blog address?" or, "Can I get your e-mail address?" After meeting up with friends whom you haven't seen for some time, the end of the meeting will probably go like this,

"Hey, let's keep in touch, ok? Give me your e-mail address. Oh, you have msn as well?? Give me that too! Oh, you do skype too? That's great!"

After exchanging all the e-addresses, you probably won't hear from him/her until... months later, or until the next time you meet, which could be years later... One will probably get a weird stare if he or she doesn't own an e-mail address. Can you imagine what would life be without the internet? Poor human beings, relying so much on computers, the internet and technology without pausing to think how much it has affected our ways of life. I am one of the willing "victim". These days I'd rather sms or msn friends than calling them. Sometimes when I talk to people on the phone, I don't quite know what to say, and I'd frantically trying to think of things to say to avoid the awkward silence. Sometimes when I meet people, I can't even hold a good long conversation without feeling like it's time for me to go, because I have something else to attend to.

Bottom line is, everyone is too busy. Busy with exactly what? I don't think I can answer that question very well myself.

Set to go.... almost

2007-03-07T13:00:00.000+08:00

Yes, I have a confirmed date of departure. April 7 is the day. Didn't realise that it is Easter weekend when I booked it... Oh well... At least I get to spend Good Friday in Singapore before I leave.

So I have a confirmed date of departure. I got myself a laptop and all the necessary vaccination. What's next? Over the years, I've become someone who needs to work with a list, so I started making a list of 1) To do list, 2) Storage list, and 3) Packing list. Needless to say, the lists are still in their infancy stage. My brain started to wander off as I move down the list. Sometimes I'll start worrying about some useless stuff and then I realised I must stay focused. This is when I really learn to depend on God on His provision. It's quite exciting to see how God provides and how encouragement comes my way when I do not expect it.

I decided to take at least a day off each week from now until end of March so I can start packing and getting ready. Today was such a day, and already I'm having a bit of headache. Everytime I move, I've never failed to amaze at my ability to acquire... stuff...in a negative sense. The amount of things to pack can scare even the most determined person at first attempt. This was like my 3rd of 4th attempt. The first few times when I started to look around, it always make me want to go to sleep. Whenever I have something I can't solve, I'd want to sleep. Very bad habbit...

The plan is this: I shall bring minimal stuff so that, 1) I don't have to pay excess baggage charge (ha ha... cheapo), 2) I can finally stop losing things for once... and 3) save space, 4) I'd learn to get used to living simply. But I guess there're certain things that I just have to bring.

Next I need to decide on the emergency/evacuation plan and travel insurance. It's really quite a task to look through all the fine prints of what's provided and what's not. There're still a couple of things to do but I guess I'll just take one thing at a time...

Prayer Letter-January

2007-02-08T19:37:00.000+08:00

I've been so busy that I haven't put up my prayer letter on my blog. Sometimes I wonder how much information I should put on my blog. Anyway, here it is, in case you haven't received or read it, or heard about my plan... Oh, and I've booked my ticket for departure on April 7.

Greetings! Thank you for all your prayers and concerns about my future plans. Indeed, the Lord has blessed me with much encouragement through various sources. I have decided to give myself a year to test out God’s calling for me and see if He’s called me to serve with the skills He’s given me over the years. I’ve been working as a Chemical Engineer in the water and wastewater treatment industry for the past 9 years. By God’s grace, He’s opened doors to some unique opportunities that have helped me see the possibilities of making use of what He has so graciously granted me - my education, background and experience.

Why am I doing this?

Ephesians 2:8-10
“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

I am convinced we’re called to do good works and show love, and that I should use what He has given me to make disciples, or at least, to sow the seeds for others to harvest the field when it’s ready. I also believe that one of the ways to show God’s love, apart from showing them the spiritual light, is to care for their physical needs. (1 John 3:17-19).

How did it all start?
I’ve been on several mission trips; to Thailand, Japan and Cambodia. Although I’ve had the burden for “mission” work for the longest time, I’ve always found it scary. How could I fit the bill of becoming a missionary? I’ve often wondered if being a traditional missionary is all there is in terms of mission work. And even though I gained a lot from each of the mission trips I went on, I still found myself struggling with the same issues after each trip. Although I enjoy my work, I have been trying to find meaning in my work as an engineer. After working for 9 years, I find myself wondering… is this God’s will for me? Am I doing the will of God? What IS the will of God for me? Is there any other way for me to serve Him besides serving in church? How do I serve Him and bring Him glory in my work and daily life? Why do I often feel like I’m too much part of the world and unable to hear His voice?

The disastrous tsunami in December 2004 really hit me. Faces of those in need, and yet were without hope, pained me. For the first time, I realized that perhaps the work that I do could be more than just a career or means of making a living. Perhaps it can make a difference and be used by God to help His people. Maybe there is a reason why God created me the way I am and shaped me into what I have become today. I simply cannot take life or anything for granted, and I can’t go on searching for God’s will aimlessly. So I took a step of faith and spent a week in August 2006 visiting a NGO (Non-Government Organisation) in Cambodia, after hearing about the kind of work they do from a church friend.

Where am I going?
After much prayer and deliberation, I’ve decided to work as a volunteer with the NGO I visited during this “testing” period. The vision of this NGO is to facilitate increasing knowledge of Christ in word and deed to the Cambodians, resulting in a church-planting movement. This is done first by living the Christian life among the Cambodians, modeling Christ in all relationships. One of the organisation’s goals include improving the quality of life by providing clean water for the Cambodians, while reaching out and introducing Jesus to the Cambodians as “the Living Water”. The projects they undertake cover the spheres of education in schools, health and hygiene in the community at large, agriculture and mentoring, some of which help to generate sustainable income for the locals.

What will I be doing?
The main project that I’ll be working on explores the usage of iron oxide material in sand filters to remove arsenic. This is of particular interest to the local government because villagers in several locations have been found to be suffering from arsenic poisoning. Hence the organization receives a small funding from World Bank. Arsenic is one of the natural-occurring minerals in well water in third-world countries like Cambodia, and since the human body cannot get rid of arsenic once it is consumed, it accumulates in the body, and arsenic poisoning becomes a very real problem among the locals in Cambodia. Given my background as a Chemical Engineer in the water treatment field, I’m praying that I can contribute a little of what I have learned over the years, to this particular project.

I will have the opportunity to work with local Khmer staff at the NGO, some of which have yet to receive Christ. It is my prayer that I will have the opportunity to share my faith in the one true God by building relationships with them and showing them God’s love in a practical and real way.

When will I go?
The exact date is not confirmed yet as I still have to finish some work in Singapore. A tentative window period would be after Chinese New Year, sometime between March and April 2007.

Thanksgiving
God has been gracious to me and some of my needs have already been taken care of. The NGO has decided to provide me with housing, so I will need to raise the rest of my living expenses.

Contact Details
My primary contact will be via e-mail at Hannah.Chiew@gmail.com.

Please pray for:
1) Spiritual discipline in keeping my spiritual health growing. Most of all, please pray against spiritual laziness and to learn to trust Him in all things and not be anxious.
2) To find spiritual buddies for support and accountability
3) Finalization of details – project start date, confirmation of project funding, etc.
4) To be efficient and to be able to do my job to the best of my ability
5) Ability to learn the Khmer language for more effective communication
6) Wisdom and help in sorting out some administrative and logistic details– how to deal with my belongings, insurance, residency status, etc.
7) The right words at the right time to share with whoever God brings into contact with me
8) The ability and opportunity to make good friends and lasting relationships
9) Health – to be able to survive and adapt to the living conditions and to have physical discipline in keeping myself healthy
10) Family – to trust that God will provide for their needs. Pray also that God will give my parents the peace and comfort, and that they will not worry about me too much.

New life...

2007-02-04T00:29:00.000+08:00

The latest addition to our family is this little guy named RJ....
This was when he was just born not long ago.. He was 5 lbs and 6 ounces when he was born. Isn't he just adorable??

Test of Endurance

2007-01-28T18:45:00.000+08:00

How do you get yourself going when you're under severe stress or extreme fatigue? Especially when it feels like you're going through a never-ending tunnel...

When I was much younger, I went for a run or marathon. I think it was some school activities. It was probably late primary school or early secondary school. For the record, I've never been all that fit and my stamina is .... pathetic. Anyway, there I was, halfway through, I was running and panting and gasping for air. Then I thought, "why don't I just quit and walk?" That'd be so much easier.. The temptation was great, but I just didn't want to. Suddenly this verse came to me:

"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:31)

Somehow I finished the race without knowing how I did it. If you know my town, you'd know it's a really small town and the run couldn't have been all that bad. As insignificant it may sound, that was one memory that always pops up whenever I think I can't go on any further.

The past 2 weeks have been quite a test of endurance on me. Actually for the past 1 month, it's been quite a challenge at work but I usually just take it in and endure it because I know it's my responsibility and it'll be over eventually. But the past 2 weeks was just a bit too much and even meditating on the verse didn't help much. Almost everyday I was working up to 9 - 11p. And quite a few days I was working past midnight or 1 a.m. It wasn't the first time I worked past midnight but usually not for consecutive days. And it won't be that bad if working hard can solve the problems, but me and my colleagues were just facing one problem after another. The most ridiculous problem was we always struggle to find transport to go to site at JB or doing some logistic arrangement. On top of that, we were having our client making some unreasonable request. As if it wasn't enough that we had to rack our brains to solve the technical problem. Working non-stop for more than 10 days was really driving me nuts and some day I just really wanted to cry. But of course I couldn't. There was no place to hide.

When I went home on Sunday night (actually Monday morning 1:30a.m.), I felt so miserable that I was crying out to God, begging Him to take away whatever problems I had. I thought perhaps I'm being punished for something I have or haven't done.

But God wasn't just going to take away the problems.... He was faithful though. The next day during Sunday service, He gave me enough encouragement to get me going through the sermon. It was about Amazing Grace. Grace is amazing because it's unmerited favour. The problem is very often we half believe in the Word and that Grace has lost its significance to many of us. That helped to take my mind off my problem and re-adjust my focus on Him.

The real test of endurance came on Monday when I and my colleagues had to do sterilisation of the loop for 2 systems with ozone. Since we could only start after 6p, by the time we were done with the sterilisation, it was like 5a.m. And by the time we re-start our systems and get everything running, it was after 8a.m.. Then we ran into a new problem! I really felt like I could collapse any time. It was the first time I worked for more than 24 hours without sleep. Ok, maybe there was a 20-30 min nap in between. That's when I wonder, how in the world do those doctors survive 24 hr shift in the hospital?? After that everything seems to be a blurr and I couldn't tell which day I was in.

Then came Tuesday's bible study. It was timely, although I could hardly keep my eyes opened by the end of the lesson. What really made an impression on me was the part about trials. The attitude towards trials should be... get this, "Joy!"

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (James 1:2-4).

This verse never quite meant much to me, until it felt like I was going through trials. Although it was not like I was suffering for Christ or anything, but it just felt too overbearing.... It's easy to quote this verse but really quite another to actually try to carry it through when you're in it. How to be joyful when trouble comes???

The interesting thing was, somehow things felt more bearable after that. Knowing that there will most certainly be troubles in life and that shouldn't come as a surprise. And just about everyone is undergoing some kind of trials. Why should I be exempted? It's just like in every single project that I've handled, there're problems. Big and small. Always there'll be some kind of delay, mistakes somewhere, under-design and over-design issues, demanding clients, supplier can't fulfill the promise, internal conflicts, accidents (thankfully no fatal accident so far). Although each time it feels like it can't be any worse, there's bound to be some project down the line that feel like it's the worst. So what's new? Just take things one at a time and face it squarely (although I always feel like I'm banging my head on a wall each time)... Quit now and you'll lose out on the blessings that God promise or the lessons that He's planned for you. If you overcome it, you'll come out stronger, strengthened faith, and sometimes gaining a new understanding of God, or yourself for that matter.

Anyway, to conclude my story, my problems didn't go away, yet. But thankfully it's settled for the time being. And we have some time before we tackle another problem...

Is it 2007 already???

2007-01-01T01:40:00.000+08:00

The way our memory works is.... if you don't use it, you'll lose it...
I thought of blogging today since it's first day of 2007... and then to my horror, I can't remember my password.. Talk about getting old.... I'm sure it happens to all of you, right??
After some attempts, I finally got in. But now I'm not sure what was the password.. Anyway, why did I want to blog today? Just trying to exercise my brain. I read that the best way of preventing things like Alzheimer, or at least slowing the effects, is to use your brain. No wonder they encourage old folks to do stuff like mahjong..

Heard a horrible piece of news today. My flatmate was robbed in her house in Malaysia, either Friday or Saturday. The pathetic loser robbers emptied the house and snatched almost everything, and even took the dog I heard. What a sad world we live in.. Apparently the thieves came in a lorry and parked in front of the house and when the owner asked what were they doing, they claimed they were delivering tiger beer.. Not sure how they actually conned their way into the house, but it seems they must've threatened the family with some kind of weapons and tied the whole family up and robbed the house clean in 2 hours. Isn't that just one of the scariest thing you've heard? Imagine, this can happen to just about anyone around you, or it could very well be you... I am absolutely appalled...

What a way to end the year..

China/HK...

2006-10-12T22:53:00.000+08:00

Was looking through my >1000 photos from my China/HK trip last month. Still haven't taken a close look at them yet, but I found some that I like... I love my new digital SLR!!

Took this way on the way to Causeway Bay, I think.

This was taken at 烏鎮. Fascinating. I wonder how they got the long cloth up.

I like the clarity of this photo.

This was taken at a shopping district called 夫子廟. Pretty pink.

Thought this was a sweet photo.. I've always liked to take pictures of people from the back. On a side note, can't believe my dad bought the hat for himself. Thought it was more of a woman's hat...

It cracked me up when I saw this. Maybe it was because they couldn't squeeze more words on the sign plate.

Took this at the Forbidden City. There's a Starbucks inside the Forbidden City by the way. Isn't that .... interesting?

Overload...

2006-08-31T12:25:00.000+08:00

Ever feel like you're going through or feeling so much that it's as if you're going to collapse? I feel like that from time to time. So much to think about, so much is going on, so little time to reflect, so frustrated and disappointed at life. Sometimes you feel so much sadness or sorrow or pain or disappointment that you thought your heart's not going to take it. You thought you weren't going to make it. You thought the sky was going to fall on you. You thought no one really cared. But then surprisingly, after a while, you checked and realised that you're still around, still breathing, and your strength hasn't left you. Yes, life is fragile. We are all vulnerable to a certain degree. And yet God's given life a certain tenacity. Each one of us is equipped with a different level of tolerance towards stress.

So, the question is, what do you do when you're overloaded?

Cambodia - Aug 4-11

2006-08-14T18:48:00.000+08:00

Thought it'd be a good idea to start writing about my trip to Cambodia as soon as possible, before the memory fades. Some time at the beginning of the year, I decided to make a trip to Cambodia, after hearing about RDI thru M when she went there as part of school project. A little background info: RDI is a NGO (Non Government Organisation) and one of the main focuses is to improve the water quality in Cambodia, and at the same time to bring them the good news thru the lives of those who work with the Cambodians. If you don't already know, Cambodia has very poor sanitation. If I remember correctly, more than 70% of the fatality in the country is due to the poor water quality. You can read more about the organisation at RDI if you're interested.

I wonder if you'll be bored if I start telling all the details. Too bad then. Heh.

The trip would've been much earlier if I hadn't torn my achilles tendon, but it's all in God's good timing. Was a little worried because my doctor told me that I should avoid climbing, uneven ground, etc until near the end of August and I wasn't sure what kind of work I'll be doing, but it was ok since I didn't really do too much work. Looking back, I think it was God's grace that He provided P to go along with me. I don't really know too many people who'd take time off and just go like that without knowing much about it. Things would've been a little tough if she didn't come with me, I think.

By the time we reached Phnom Penh, it was almost 9p, which was considered late for the. Mickey from RDI n Joe came to fetch us. Probably because we didn't eat enough for dinner, so we were hungry again when we arrived! It seemed to take forever for our noodles to come so I basically finished every single thing on the plate. Though it was only 10p when we reached the house, everyone seemed to have gone to bed.

It didn't take me very long to get used to the early nights, because there really isn't much to do! Usually by about 8p, people are ready to go to bed. And the relatively short working hours (for us, that is) and waking up early (not too early, around 6 plus) and going to bed early (9 plus or 10) seem to grow on me after a while. I was thinking, "hmm... I could really get used to this.... " I acutally feel more alert and less tired compared to when I'm in Singapore, even though I didn't really get very good sleep almost every night, which is rather weird. I mean, not being able to sleep cos I usually sleep like a log on mission trips... Probably because of the rooster that usually crows on the dot at 2:30a.m., according to Angela, one of our roommates. She's an Civil Engineer who just finished her masters degree and is part of EWB (Engineers without borders) and is working on a rainwater catchment project with RDI. I actually woke up and checked the time one of the nights and found that the rooster was late!! Like 3 or 4a.m! Got serious backache on the 3rd night because of the "sinking" bed. It's a really interesting bed. Rock hard on left side and right side is the quick sand... I tried both sides. None matched me. J said that I probably didn't feel as tired because I didn't use my brain much... I thought it was God's grace, and also a combination of the excitement and the heightened sense of... "I must stay strong and healthy" attitude. Or it's the iced coffee every morning, which tastes just like the Vietnamese iced coffee.

Gee... and I haven't told you what I did on the next day... Actually didn't do much for the next 2 days since it's the weekend, which I totally forgot. I was all ready to get down and get dirty so it was a bit of let down. Haha... But I expected this to be more of an exposure trip so it was not too bad. Mickey gave us a tour around the factory and showed us the various projects that RDI is embarking on, which include the following:

1. Rope pump for well - very simple design and uses all local parts that be found easily and so low cost. Though it's low cost to most of us, it is still considered costly to some cambodians so it's available on a rent to own basis. The idea is to give them a sense of ownership and when you work for something, you cherish it. It also gives RDI an opportunity to go back to them on a regular basis (for maintenance) and build relatioship and share with them.
2. Ceramic filters - another simple design that filters say, river water and produce clean drinking water for a family. It's coated with silver compound that kills bacteria.
3. Toilet building - many places/schools have no toilets, which is very bad considering some schools have hundreds or 1000 students and not a single toilet in the school compound. Kids just go anywhere and everywhere. One of the interpreters told me that some kids stop going to school because of this, especially for girls.
4. Rain water harvesting tank - collects rain water, which is of better quality than many of the well water. Many of the wells in Cambodia contain extremely high level of Arsenic.
5. Odourless pigs - using rice husks of certain depth that helps to absorb the urea and keep dry. Really, there wasn't much smell at all.

This is Emma, one of the 2 pigs for odourless pigs.

6. Education - teach the locals on water health and sanitation
7. Karaoke VCDs - introduce bible stories/concepts

8. Ostrich, goat rearing

9. Mapping of water quality - developing water quality index to help those who're in power/authority to make better decision
10.Capacity building - to empower the locals to obtain the knowledge/skills required to improve the quality of water/health

One thing that impressed me was the people I met, especially the Cambodians. They are so warm towardspeople they meet even for the first time.

Ok, enough for now...

Time for a change...

2006-08-14T00:01:00.000+08:00

Wasted some time today trying to change my blog layout. Just got really bored with my old blog. Not that this is any better I guess... Now that it's so late that I'm too tired to start blogging about my trip. Maybe tomorrow...

It's hard to say goodbye..

2006-08-04T15:38:00.000+08:00

There're a few situations I can never be comfortable in, one of which is to say goodbyes... Another is at funerals, and struggling to know what and how to comfort the bereaved...

Had to say goodbye to my friend Michele the other day, and even more than usual, I was at a loss for words... It doesn't help that I seem to be more prone to tears these days... Although I tried hard not to show it, because it really isn't a sad event. It gives me great joy and pride to know that she's doing God's will and giving the best of her to serve the Lord. Surely God will take better care of her than all of us combined!!

Come to think of itt, I must've inherited the tears part from my mom, although she's a lot more expressive and open than me. So I guess I'm a combination of my mom and my dad. Haahahaha....

To my friend Michelle,

It's been truly wonderful to have you as a friend. You're not just a friend, but a dear sister to me. May God bless you and keep you! May you find strength in Him always! Share with us all the wonderful stuff you learn/experience in Thailand, k? Take care.

"I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:13)

Funny... not

2006-07-31T23:26:00.000+08:00

This is really funny. It's like I'm losing my memory. Ok, so that's not something new.... But it really bugs me everytime I want to pen something down I'm not able to. Either because I'm like stuck on the bus, or out running about, or I'm busy getting work done. And when I actually drag myself and sit myself in front of my mac, I have problems squeezing the thoughts out of my brain.. On a side note, yes, I am a proud owner of an iMac now... It's been what, more than a month now? and yet I've only uncovered a fraction of what it can do...

Anyway, as I was saying... What was I talking about? Oh, right, my thoughts. See, I can lose my train of thoughts so easily. The other day I was "cooking" my heat pad in the microwave and the stupid microwave doesn't have a digital timer, so I have to literally count the 2 minutes that it's supposed to "cook". I was just reminding myself of the time, since I was on the phone, that I shouldn't let it cook for more than 2 minutes. I was talking to my dad, you see.. And before I knew it, it was like, 20 minutes after I put it in the microwave!! But don't worry, I didn't set it for 20 minutes, goodness.. I just didn't know whether it was in there for 2 or 3 minutes.... Anyway, now I've decided that I shouldn't leave the microwave the next time for that 2 minutes. Because once I walk away, I may forget what I was doing... The number of things I forgot... gee, I think I can write a book on them...

Ok, let me get to the point here. (Actually I kinda forgot what I was going to note down, so... just whatever comes to my mind NOW) I was quite encouraged by the sermon on Sunday. It was great to have Rev. Eric back to preach after so long. Other than the reminder of the pressing need and the importance to come back to the word of God, he made a very good point that I thought was very helpful. One ways for us to keep in check with God's word is to make it a point to share what you have learned in the week with someone from say, your quiet time, or what has God spoken to you that week. It's like, spiritual exercise. That reminded me of what I was reading the week before, "how to maintain a healthy body" by Huang Sabin. One of the health principles: Physical exercise is helpful but spiritual exercise is crucial.

"For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present and the life to come." (1 Tim 4:8)

I guess it's a good indication of your spiritual health. If you have absolutely nothing to share for a long time, about what you have learned from the word of God, isn't that very alarming?? For a christian, I mean. Of course, that doesn't mean that you need to "force" something out to make you look like you've learned something, eh? I think it'll force us to think about things that we would otherwise not think about. But I must say it's difficult to do QT and journaling everyday. The more I do it, the more I realise there're some decisions I need to make, in order to make room for it. Come to think of it, it's pretty pathetic of how we spend our so called free time sometimes. There're 24 hours each day, and yet how often we actually pause and think about whether what we're doing actually make sense. Do I make sense?

Amazed

2006-06-26T07:47:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was Baptism Sunday. It's funny how I seemed to have missed several of the previous such services, supposingly conducted twice a year. And yesterday, there I was, standing there as one of the candidates, with a serious purpose. Although I wasn't to be baptised but as a "transfer in" candidate, I was neverthless feeling a bit of everything; mixture of excitement, nervousness and at the same time resolution. Something that I've thought for a long time but never got around to do it until now, because of various reasons.

Anyway, as I was reading the testimonies written by the various people who were baptised/confirmed/transferred yesterday, apart from being touched by many of their testimonies, I was also in awe of what God has done in the lives of those He's chosen. It is pretty amazing how God's brought people into knowing Him, or back to Him, and how He used different people in their lives. It struck me that could I have been that someone too, and I started to wonder how many times have I really shared the gospel clearly to anyone. Very few. Probably none. I want to be that someone. Can I? Will I?

About last Christmas...

2006-05-07T22:55:00.000+08:00

There were lights...

There was shopping...

There was driving around...

There was Christmas tree...

There was Christmas parade... Those were real people by the way..

And then there was the cross....

5 months old...

2006-05-07T21:57:00.000+08:00

I finally found my card viewer and downloaded the photos from .... last Christmas.. Think I took over 200 photos... Of course, most of them are boring or taken badly so not worth posting... And some are... personal. Heh.

Anyway, let's see... how about photos about food first... B, L and I went to this market in Seattle after breakfast before we went shopping. Rats, I forgot the name of the place..

Dried fruit logs..very yummy... Some are a bit too sweet. I think I tried peach, apricot and strawberry flavour.. Should've bought more..

Cherries... yum... but I didn't have any..

Alaskan King crab!! Lobster!! My favourite! Come to think of it, I didn't have any lobsters this trip...

I enjoyed the nice leisuirely stroll down the market..

Foodcourt at Key Arena. This family seems to be enjoying the Christmas atmosphere a lot..

Ok, so those're not my hands, but let me tell you that I did have a part in making this. It was surprising difficult to break the mint. Talking of hands, it always cracks me up when I see the fat hands of the chefs in "Dae Jang Guem" after reading how they're not the hands of the actresses in the show.

Walked around Chinatown for a bit. Have always been intrigued by Chinatown. It's got a life of its own and a different world from the rest of the city.

Don't ask me what that is... I've always passed by this store and wondered if I'll die of sugar rush if I got one of those...

Yawn

2006-05-02T07:40:00.001+08:00

I wonder if you've wondered why haven't I been updating my blog lately. If so, what a conincidence, because I've wondered about that too. There were quite a few times I logged in and I clicked on the create new post, and then I stared at the blank page. And I logged out. And the process would repeat itself. I guess when there's nothing to write, I shouldn't try to force myself to write anything, eh? Hmmm.... But it's sooo boring to see the same page over and over again. It's almost... agonising. I really don't mind seeing something different.

3...25...

2006-03-24T00:03:00.000+08:00

The day I've been waiting for.. OFF CAST day! Sometimes it feels as if I can't wait for another day more.. But then I have to remind myself to be patient. It's the beginning of another journey.. Long process of recovery.. The advantage of being there and done that is that I know what to expect. But the thought of re-living the whole episode again is a little daunting... I know it's not difficult. Compared to many others who've suffered more serious injuries, this probably looks like a piece of cake. It's the discipline.

I hope I've learned the lessons God intended for me so far. This reminds me of my walk with God. It's really not difficult, but it takes discipline. It's so easy to slip when you let down your guard and allow yourself to be overcome by laziness.

Actually started doing word study on the foot/feet/foothold. Looked up all the verses on them. Pretty interesting. Learned a few new things.

The past few months have been rather... interesting, should I say. Come to think of it, much has happened the past 2 years or so. I wonder how I've been doing. Sometimes when you're in the midst of things, it's kinda tough to tell what's going on. I think I've learned a few new things here and there. The most exciting thing is studying God's word. I pray that God will grant me good memory in keeping what I've learned about Him and what He says. It's a bit disturbing sometimes when I realise how quickly I forget about what I've learned.

I realised I haven't been updating much these days. Not sure if it's a good sign, since I'm already having problems communicating verbally. Looking on the bright side of things, if I ever lose my ability to speak, I think it won't be such a terrible thing. Hahahah... Sometimes I wonder, if one day I'm forced to make a choice and can only choose one of the 5 senses, which one would it be?

Nice?

2006-03-03T11:11:00.000+08:00

Thanks to G, M and J. =)
By the end of all this, I'll have so many collections that I'll have problems keeping them...Maybe I should create a gallery to showcase all my casts. Hahaha..

The reaction...

2006-02-11T16:30:00.000+08:00

So the reaction of most people when they heard about my injury:

"What!??! Again ah? Ah girl, you better take care of yourself!"

"Again?!? Same foot or different foot? Oh, different foot, eh? Good, they're even now."

"Again!?! Badminton again?? Told you to give up badminton! That's it. No more badminton for you."

"Sorry to hear that you've injured your foot, again. Please take care."

"Surgery!? Are you sure you need an op??"

"Again!?? How did you do that?? Teach me how to do it leh. I want a break too."

"What're you going to do about your meals? How're you feeling? Do you need anything? Books? DVDs? Food?"

By the way, I think it's safe to say that this is the last time I'll visit the company doctor. Same clinic made the wrong diagnosis for the same injury, twice. They're really not a very good bunch of doctors.

My obssession with Achilles...

2006-02-10T21:35:00.000+08:00

Ok, ok, I'm not really obssesed with my Achilles, but it's quite fascinating to know how our bodies work...

I guess it's not difficult to accept that I've yet again ruptured my achilles tendon, another one, that is. I'm just trying hard to understand what is it that God wants to tell me. Perhaps I've missed it the first time. Hahahaha....

Life's been interesting. Not that many things actually happened, but it is really amazing how certain things are repeated to you by different people at almost the same time... Guess it's really not a coincidence. This is certainly a good time for me to let my thoughts settle down (?)

讓我的思緒沉澱

Anyway, back to my story. Haha.. Went to see the doctor today. It's now back to my previous orthopaedic. So confusing. What happened to the one I first saw? Apparently both of them operated on me. I'd have liked to see what a ruptured achilles tendon looks like. Just curious. For those who're interested, the repair surgery is something like sewing them back together the two ends of the ruptured tendon. Apparently some material is applied to make the sewing stronger. I think I have the exact same repair done for both feet.

Got my full cast today. Fiberglass. Cool. Time for some talented artists to start drawing on it. I'm looking forward to seeing some cool design...

One thing that amazes me is... it seems like there're a lot more people that I expected who're concerned about my injury. Maybe I didn't really take note. This will be a good time to count my blessing and note down all those who's encouraged me. They'll become part of my precious memory collection. I've always thought that I can never repay the goodness that people's shown me. And now with this, it seems I'll be forever in debt.. But I guess I should receive all the good intention with grace. They're afterall God's gifts to me at this time. My only regret is that my friends will have to suffer for while for the next few months. So, to all my friends... let me give you a hearfelt thanks for all the good things that you have done (and will do, hahahahah) for me, whether it's small or big. If you don't mind, I can give you a hug. Heh.

Oh, perhaps I can cut nails for you, or massage for you, (if I can find a good position to prop my leg up).

Oh my achilles... what have i done?

2006-02-09T14:01:00.000+08:00

I could hardly believe it, when I felt/heard the familiar yet scary snap at the back of my right foot. Could I be so lucky that history is repeating itself?? Talk about the chance of having both achilles tendon torn!! Guess I'm probably one of the few persons that you know who's done that to him/herself. It's a talent that I don't want. Sigh.. I'll have to remember to ask the doctor why am I prone to this injury...

I've almost forgotten how it feels to walk with crutches, and not being able to go anywhere I want, and most of all, to depend on others. It's certainly a good reminder for me to take nothing, absolutely nothing for granted. Life indeed is fragile. We have absolutely no control of what will happen the next minute. It's safest to place your hope in THE one who has total control, eh?

Anyway, for those who're interested to know what happened, let me tell you... Actually, it's quite similar to what happened less than 2 years ago. Same sport, almost the same time of the year, and about the same thing happened. We were playing a doubles games, badminton. Me and J (funny how I was playing against J when I tore my left achilles tendon) were playing against B&C. We were down 1 game to 2, but we were up at 13-11, I think, in the 4th game. I was thinking, hey, maybe we could really win this game and go into a 5th game. Perhaps it was the competitive nature in me or maybe I was too into the game. I can't remember who gave the drop shot, and I lunged forward for the drop shot. In that split second, I felt something snap at the back of my right foot and a sharp pain shot upward. I thought, "uh oh, what have I done???". Then I thought, maybe it's not so serious. Maybe it was just a muscle pull. Oh God, please, please don't let it be what I think it is. How could this happen? This time not my left achilles, but my right?? Some kind of sick joke? I dropped and couldn't move. I felt my calf muscle, very stiff, and then all the way down to the achilles tendon. There's a gap, and I gasped. My heart sank. Why is there a gap?? What's that??! For the second time in my life?? I was totally confused.

My mind started thinking about what will happen. I'll have to go through the surgery, and then put on cast for 8 weeks, then a few months of rehab program and no sports for 6 months. Guess dive sipadan is out of the question. Worst, I'll have to start all over again to re-gain my stamina. Just when I was starting to build up my stamina. This time it's probably going to take longer because I'm getting older. And then I thought about my parents. They're going to kill me. And then I thought about my work. This couldn't have happened at the worst time. My colleagues are so going to kill me...

Some doctor happened to be on the court and told me to go straight to A&E. I decided against it and went to the company doctor. That was a mistake. The doctor gave me false hope and told me it was only a partial tear and made it sound as if it was nothing serious at all. Gave me 1 day off, and some painkillers, and told me I could start hobble around after a few days of rest. I was like, "phew", so it was not that bad after all, but still there's a nagging suspicion that it's not so simple...

Decided the day after to go and see another doctor. The same doctor who gave the correct diagnosis about 2 years ago. He thought it was partial tear too, but seemed to think it was a lot more serious and suggested I either go to the A&E that night, or to the orthopaedic the next day. The thought of seeing the same orthopaedic brought some comfort and I decided to see him. So the next day comes but a different doctor saw me actually. He felt the tendon and confirmed my worst fear. "Your tendon is torn, and you should go for the repair surgery. Although there's still some movement, but the main tendon is torn. There's an obvious gap in between. We can arrange for the surgery today." No need for any scan. As I was waiting for the clinic to confirm the time of the surgery, the previous doctor came out and saw me and looked surprised. Perhaps he recognised me but I thought that was highly unlikely. Must've seen my case file. He was like, "what happened?" He felt the area around the tendon and said "Your left tendon is strong now, right? It's not usual for both tendons to be torn. Maybe you have weak tendons or the frame is too small..."

Ok, I'm tired now. Maybe I'll continue tomorrow.

Top 10....

2006-01-04T13:35:00.000+08:00

Top 10 stuff I've experienced during the past few weeks...

1. Playing "catch phrase" with my family... highlights:
R: What's the thing that I'd do when I see a pretty girl walking down the street?
Me: Whistle?
L: What? You'd whistle???? R!!

2. Doing stuff for my family; massaging them, cutting nails for my parents, doing dishes.

3. Chatting and catching up with friends I haven't seen for a while and finding out what's going on in their lives; talking to people I've met for the first or second time or listening to stories about them. It's amazing how God works in the lives of people around us..

4. Finding out that an old friend of mine has accepted Christ.. one of the best news I've heard lately..

5. Walking around Vancouver and enjoying the scenery and the cold fresh air..

6. Watching my first ever NBA game live - Seattle Sonics vs Washington Wizards. It ain't easy being in the cheerleading team, man... They're really good, and energetic, toned and fit..

7. Christmas lights - some are captured in my camera but most aren't.

8. Meeting kids that are still little kids in my memory but have now grown way beyond recognition

9. Crying at the restaurant

10. Making my first ever cheesecake and short bread and ginger bread cookies; all under close supervision of course.. Actually I just did what I was told by the head chef, L.

11. Eating and lots of eating...including stuffing myself with Jap food.

12. Raining and lots of raining...

13. Driving and lots of driving and sitting in the car and waiting and playing alphabet games while waiting...

14. Sleeping and more sleeping...

15. Shooting and more shooting... I was absolutely disgusted to hear about the no. of shooting incidents in the past few weeks. It was something like an average of 1.5 shooting indicent over the span of 10 days!

16. Making my own cards until 1 a.m.

17. Sitting at a small and quiet cafe near the public libray, reading while enjoying a cup of tea..

18. Hanging out with my family..

19. Shopping at the outlets in Seattle..

20. Drinking chai tea made by L

21. Watching the different ways my family laughs, esp B.

So I didn't stop at 10. Top 21 then.. What's your top 10?

And the story goes on....

2006-01-01T16:38:00.000+08:00

As usual, I like to write something on significant day such as this. I was thinking, how interesting it is that we all celebrate New Year's Day at different time. You know, different time zone and all that. The countdown becomes rather insignificant when you think about it. But I guess everyone takes turn to celebrate. We each have our own time and place for just about everything that happens in life. Do you ever wonder what would it be like if we all live in the same time zone? I'm guessing it would be quite boring..

It's another struggle as I try to reflect on yet another year that's passed. What exactly have I done or achieved? Have I lived a life that's pleasing to Him? Have I tried to fit God in my life from the world's perspective? Have I been thinking too much but not doing?

I'm really thankful that I get to spend time with my family. Being apart from my family has helped me to love them more and I've realised that no matter what happens, they're irreplaceable. Although they can cause a lot of pain and tears, they can be irritating and annoying, they can be embarrassing, stubborn and pathetic, but at the end of the day, you realise that they're still your family after all, and that's the undeniable truth and it is by no accident that God's put them in your life.

There's something else I wanted to say, but I should go to bed. Less than a week left. I'm starting to panic. I haven't done what I was supposed to do.

Merry Christmas!!

2005-12-25T17:18:00.000+08:00

Just want to wish you all a very wonderful Christmas. May you spend this special time of the year with your loved ones and may Christ be the reason for your celebration!

I think this is the first time that I didn't write any Christmas cards ever since I started writing Christmas cards. Feels kind of odd. It's good in a way. Now no one will suffer from reading my awful handwriting... It's bad in the sense that I don't get to practise writing. Hahaha... Getting so used to typing on computer that I've gotten from bad to worse in writing with a pen.

The weather's turned so warm that it feels like fall. From -3C to 13C. Quite a drastic change, I must say. Well, I guess I won't be seeing any snow this time.. I was fortunate to catch a few sunny days for the first few days but now that the weather's turning into the infamous drizzling gloomy days, it's starting to bring out a constant craving to sleep in me... I think it's safe to say that I'd rather not come back during the winter time. It's just pouring and pouring and pouring....

It feels strange coming back and not seeing grandma and providing her my annual services - cutting nails for her, listening to her fascinating stories and her wonderful singing of songs she learned when she was a kid (all verses memorised) and taking pictures of her. She really does put me to shame. I can't remember lyrics for nuts... not even familiar hymns...

Second Day

2005-12-17T17:01:00.000+08:00

Technically it's the 3rd day of my holiday but oh well....

I feel more and more like a stranger each time I return home. Really, where is home? I spend an average of 2-3 weeks here every year. Although I consider Canada my home, but it becomes harder and harder to explain to people and the sense of belonging becomes more and blurred and confusing. And my country considers me as a non-resident and therefore I'm treated like a visitor... The custom officer asked, "so where did you come from? I answered, "Singapore." He asked, "So what were you doing there?" I said, "I work there." He then asked, "so what're you doing here?" I was stunned, "I'm... coming home, to visit." He said, "so you're just visiting". Hmmm....
I guess I take comfort in knowing that the home on earth is just temporary so it doesn't matter if I feel like I don't really belong anywhere... Still, it's not easy to stop the feeling of loneliness. It feels as though I'm always travelling on my own. Had the inexplicable feeling of .... solitary as I said bye to j at the airport. "Here I go again..."

But I thank God for He knows all things, so he gave me the ability to endure long trips - the ability to sleep... I think I only watched 2 or 3 movies and the rest of the time sleeping. That's like 6 hrs of movies out of 17 hours of travelling, which is not bad. Met these 2 (or 3) families from Singapore. They were going on a skiing trip to Canada, and there were like more than 10 of them. I was like, gee, rich families. At first, one of boys was sitting next to me, and was really getting on my nerves. Kept bugging his dad to switch seat with his cousin and moving in and out of his seat (sometimes climbing OVER me) and making so much noise!! I was so relieved when his little cousin, Claire switched seat with him, and she was this cute little thing who didn't say much. Unfortunately the kids switched seats again, and her other cousin sat beside me after the transit in Seoul. She was probably one of the most studious passengers I've ever met. Kept reading the Henry IV almost the whole of her waking time, making notes and all that. I was like, "what school do you go to?. "St. Nicholas." Not that it means anything to me, because I don't know nuts about the school, but I guess it should be a good school...

Boring stuff, eh? Time seems to have slowed down here. But I tell you, it's a really a good place to sleep. I just love sleeping and can go on and on.. All I want to do, is have some sleep. hahahaha.....

It's so cold.... I've forgotten how cold it can get. It's like -1C when I got home today. This year seems a lot colder... or is it because I haven't been home for Christmas all these years... I need more socks..

Bad habit...

2005-12-11T01:20:00.000+08:00

最近真是累死我了。

I think I'm habitually torturing myself. This is not good. Maybe I'm too used to having my friends to nag me to sleep or to eat or to exercise. When they're not around, I'm a little ..... lost.

What's keeping me going now is the thought of going home to hibernate and sleep starting next week, and also to work hard now so that I can have a peace of mind during my holiday...

Sometimes my brain goes into overdrive and it robs me of my usual deep sleep. I can feel myself drifting in and out of consciousness. Side effect of fatigue and overwork, I guess, even though I can probably compete in the category of the ability to sleep under any cicumstances....

This isn't really what I wanted to write actually, but nevermind. I've lost my thoughts.

Althought it's been many weeks since I last wrote, it feels as if I've been writing everyday. Each day I have some amusing or interesting thoughts (to me, that is) that I think are worthwhile to keep a record, but by the time I actually have time to settle down my thoughts, my mind is in a blank. This makes me think of my brother when he's in his shut down mode. I'm like that sometimes. No matter how hard I try, things will just pass me by and my response will slow down by ten fold. Still, I'd imagine how I'd blog about my thoughts and imagine how they'd become part of someone's memory of me.

But then, maybe no one really understands or knows me, since I don't really know myself all that well. To make someone understand something, you'll have to have that understanding, right? Or at the very least, you'll have to know what is that something, right?

Now, where is that something that I wanted to write about....

A Fabulous Adventure

2005-11-20T23:20:00.000+08:00

Thought I should write something about the fabulous evening of music in one of its simplest forms - unplugged. A skinny girl with just a guitar and her voice and nothing else (and there's the other very talented guitarist who accompanied her half way). One can sense that all she wanted to do is to sing, because she didn't talk much. Actually when she talked, it was more like ... an explanation. Not to entertain the audience, but just to introduce the song and sometimes to explain why/how it was written. It's also quite obvious that she's pretty happy with where she is now, i.e., her dream is her music. Now, how many people say that they're truly satisfied with what they're doing now, or they're doing something that they're passionate about?

It was a small auditorium, with a holding capacity of about 500, I heard. Full house. It's quite a known fact that those who follow her music are not a lot, but sizeable. Of course, those who'll pay to go to her performance generally tend to like her music quite a bit. I met a few of them last night. It was quite an interesting experience. It felt a little funny and awkward at times but once we started talking about her music, it was better.

Anyway, back to the performance. I've probably mentioned this a few times to friends around me, but there's just something about the child-like voice that touches the nerves of certain people. Granted music is a pretty subjective experience, different people would have different affinity towards different types of music. I wonder if all those who love Cheer's music have some similar traits.. I suppose it's also her passion and sincerity towards music that draws people.

Haven't been to such good live performance for a long time. Maybe I'm biased towards acoustic guitar. Oh well... Small auditorium has its benefits. You get a more upclose and personal experience. I must say though, the sound system was quite good. At least the sound man was doing his job. Very few glitches. Her voice quality is almost identical to that of CD. You know how some singers just can't sing live? She's NOT one of them. Must've trained herself pretty well with live singing all these years, travelling around with her guitar.

The next best thing to her voice was the arrangement of the music. Pretty refreshing to hear some songs in its "original" state, and to hear songs without the rest of the accompaniment. Quite difficult too, I guess, to make good arrangement with just 2 guitars, and to keep them interesting at the same time. I like. The audience were quite obedient, kept absolute quiet when she started singing for most of the part. Most seemed quite...intoxicated. Think everyone thought it was rather short, ending in less than 2 hours, just before 10p, but someone counted that she sang a total of 23 songs. Gee, that's quite a lot. I didn't realise it.

Oh, forgot to introduce her. She is Cheer Chen, 陳綺貞, a composer/musician/singer. It's a pity that she didn't sing my favourite song of the latest album. Don't know why but I just like the lyrics for some reason, and the arrangement.

華麗的冒險

長長的路的盡頭是一片滿是星星的夜空
這一躺華麗的冒險沒有真實的你陪我走
長長的時間的旅程充滿太多未知的誘惑
數不清對你承諾過的一切
還有多少沒有實現過

不願放開手
不願讓你走
瘋狂的夢沒有了你
還有什麼用

不願放開手
不願讓你走
不願眼睜睜的看你走出我的生活

At least I took some pictures....

2005-11-09T18:56:00.000+08:00

I passed by this place everyday on the way to work site. I liked the clouds.

The mountains beside the work site. One of the them has a pretty interesting shape.

Interesting little shelter places beside the beach.

Generally it's pretty windy, especially at the beach. Really really windy.. And the funny looking rocks on the beach.... I wonder what kind of material are they.

忙碌﹐茫然﹐麻木﹐盲目

2005-11-05T12:06:00.000+08:00

This is kind of how i feel these days. A little too busy, a little too lost, a little too numb, a little too blind.

I think sometimes when you want something badly, you'll make things sound more than what it is. But I'm not sure where do I draw the line. Is it just my imagination/exaggeration, or are things really that bad?

The past few weeks have been almost unbearable, but also a time of joy and bonding with my family. I guess it's God's grace. He knew it would be hard time for me, so He gave me a week in between to relax.

I hate it when people thought I'm having a good time when I travel around for work. But I know I can't blame them, and then I'd feel the need to explain myself, that it really is no fun, and I hardly had time to do anything but work. "Yes, I went to Mauritius. No, I didn't go anywhere but three places; airport, hotel and site. No, I didn't buy anything. No, I didn't eat anything but hotel food, but I had bee hoon most of the time for lunch. Yes, there's bee hoon, cos there're chinese people around. Yes, I went to the beach, once at 6a.m. for 10 min, and another on the last day for another 10 min....."

I think I'll go crazy if any of my colleagues asked "so how was holiday in Mauritius?" Holiday?? Holiday?? Out of all people.....

Ok, so things were not all that bad. I did enjoy the ride from the hotel to site although it was long and windy and bumpy. Sometimes I could see a lot of stars at night along the way. Still, it felt like the longest 10 days of my life. I felt pretty useless and powerless, and the longer I work, the more I think I really know nothing at all. Does anyone know anything at all?? Where do I find solution?? How do I solve all these problems?? What if I damage the system because of my negligence? Have I checked everything?? This is a terrible design! Why did we design this and this? Why did we not think about all these before? Questions with no answers. At one point, I was ready to give up. On the way back to hotel that evening, I wanted to cry. Everywhere we turn, there's a problem lying silently for us to discover. In the midst of this, I started asking, where is God in all this? What does God expect me to do? And then I asked, "what am I doing here? What am I busy for? How did I get myself into this? What do I get by being so stressed? Where is the end? Where's my silver lining?" I couldn't see the light. I tried to remember.

"I lift up my eyes to the hills - where does my help come from? (thought that was quite fitting, we were surrounded by mountains). My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." (Psalms 121:1-2)

I could only remember fractions of it. It was hard to focus. Things didn't get easier, and there were still many problems that made my head hurt, but amazingly, I came to the end. It was time to go back. I was so tired that I started to sleep on the cab on the way to the airport. It was such a long journey with twists and turns.. It's a gift too I guess. I slept through almost the entire 7 hr flight.

I guess I don't want to turn into a robot who just works without feelings and passion and becomes blind eventually. Blind towards people around me, their needs, their feelings, their world. Blind towards myself. Will the world eventually exclude me?

Not the movie..

2005-09-15T08:14:00.000+08:00

Yes, after some time, I thought people may think that I was writing a movie review about the movie, The Ring. Managed to find a picture I took of my first ring. Ain't it a pretty little thing? Hahahaa...

Talking about the movie, I remember watching it from the front row and what a torture it was. I don't usually get affected by scary movies, but that night after watching it, I kept imagining seeing a dark figure at the corner of my room. Sadako!!

The Ring

2005-09-11T23:31:00.000+08:00

Well, while I'm waiting for my hair to get drier, I thought about writing the story of my ring. Yes, my iron ring.

I lost my ring, again. This is the 2nd time. Well, actually, if you count those "near" misses, I'd have lost it maybe 3 or 4 times. The first time I lost it (if I remember correctly), I think I flung it into toilet bowl. For some reason, my cousin remembers it so well that she repeats it almost everytime we're with some friends or relatives. Yes, she probably finds it so funny that she keeps repeating the story. I think I've only told her once. Sigh. Can't remember if I got it replaced right after, but I remember receiving it in the mail. Maybe I should've learned my lesson and gotten a smaller size, but the one I had was like, the 2nd smallest size! I did think about it, but then I thought, perhaps I'll get fat real soon, and then it wouldn't fit. Alas, now I wish I had gotten a smaller ring, so it wouldn't fly away when I have some big movement with my hands.

In between all these years, I must've dropped the ring here and there, but each time I kinda knew that I would find it back. I remember when I was staying with the landlady that was seldom home, I accidentally "flung" my ring out of the balcony when I was hanging up my laundry. Like a mad dog, I rushed out of my place and ran down as quickly as possible. Luckily my place was only on the 4th floor, so it wasn't too difficult to find it. Then another time (which just happened last week), but this time it wasn't by accident but my carelessness, during which I took off my ring during BS as well as my watch, like I usually do. As we were walking towards the bus stop after BS, I suddenly felt the absence of my ring and my heart skipped a beat. I forgot my ring!!! By God's grace, I found the ring; I swept it onto the chair with my bag without realising it. The funny thing was, I found the bag of my medicine lying on the floor as I was walking back to the bus stop. Yes, I dropped it along the way as I was walking back to find my ring. Things happen when you're searching through your bag while walking, you know....

But this time, my heart started sinking when I suddenly realised my ring was missing. If I didn't even realise I dropped it, the chance of the ring forever lost is pretty high... I think I lost it at home, but I can't be sure. I could've dropped it while washing my hands for all you know. That was probably the reason why I decided to clean my room on Sunday morning after I woke up, hoping that I would "accidentally" discover my ring lying somewhere in the room. Guess you wouldn't be reading about this if I found it. I must admit it's pretty much my fault that I lost it.

Feels strangely out of place without the ring. It's been with me through thick and thin since I graduated. I wear it like it's part of me. Mind you, I don't wear it just because I'm proud to be an Engineer, but also because it reminds me of the responsibility I have as an Engineer and the obligation to live by a high standard of professional conduct.

If you're intrigued by the history of the iron ring, you can read about it at The Iron Ring.

To my ring,
I miss the way I turn you around with my thumb when I was bored, or just to make sure that you're still around,
I miss how you hung on to my finger with your dear life, as if you were going to lose yourself anytime,
I miss the sound you made whenever I was sliding you along some handrail made of stainless steel (you all belonged to the same family, I thought),
I miss showing you off to my friends when they were curious about you,
I miss having to take care not to lose you whenever I tried to get excess water off my hands,
I miss trying to make you stand by yourself (not a very easy task I must say because of the way you were made) and just looking at you,
I miss the feeling of you resting on my pinky
I miss you.
Please come back, or I'll have to find another you.

Dry

2005-09-03T13:26:00.000+08:00

Haven't been writing for quite some time now. Mostly because I really have nothing to write about. Sometimes my thoughts repeat themselves. I'd start writing about something and realised that I've written about them before then I stop. Think I'm starting to be a real boring person.

Seems to me all I write these days are technical stuff. Something like this, "The raw water is collected in a raw water tank and subsequently pressurised via the raw water pump into the multimedia filter for the removal of suspended solids present in the raw water. The filtered water then goes through the activated carbon filter for the removal of free chlorine and trace organics before it enters the RO system. The RO system......" Dry stuff. And now I'm becoming dry too. Writing too many sets of manuals that they all start to sound the same to me.

Maybe one day, I'll have something really exciting to say, like, "I've memorized the whole pack of my memory verses!", or, "Guys, check out my first Mac!", or, "Look at the huge bruise I have!", or, "Hye, I can run for more than 1 hour without feeling like I'm about to pass out", or, "Dude, I'm going to Sipadan, man..", or, "I'm going to Japan, folks!", or how about this, "Guess what, I'm finally getting married.." It's all about ME ME ME..... How boring. Maybe I should start writing about .... the world...

Sandy beach and blue blue sky..

2005-08-11T15:03:00.000+08:00

Went diving at Pulau Redang over the National Day weekend. Nice beach... Although the visibility wasn't as good as I expected but I guess I'm happy just to dive. Caught a big turtle sleeping under some corals during one of the night dives. We must've disturbed his sleep since he woke up and moved to somewhere else. Felt bad. Managed to meet a decorated crab for the first time, I think during the same night dive. Such a smart creature.

Caught another smaller turtle having breakfast the next day. So cute. Totally ignored our presence and was happily feeding on soft corals. Saw quite a few blue spotted sting rays too and a reef shark. And octopus too! My favourite is still playing with Nemo though, I mean, clownfish. Almost bumped in to a trigger fish, until the DM "bang" his emergency bell. Actually I wasn't THAT near to the fish, I think, but the DM was a bit paranoid; he was attacked by trigger fish before.

I must say though, Redang is a lot more "modern" than I expected. It's also the nicest dive resort I've been to so far, in terms of standard and facilities. I guess that's why the visibility is not as good as compared to say, 10, 20 years ago. The more "developed" it is, the more susceptible the place is to pollution. Sad but true. Actually, I'd rather trade the comfort for the clean water.

Looking forward to Sipadan, if at all possible... Next year?

Dreams

2005-07-29T07:47:00.000+08:00

Dreams don't quite make sense sometimes. It's funny how when you're in your dreams, it all made sense, but when you wake up and happen to remember the dreams, they don't make much sense. I guess it's probably because we can only remeber bits and pieces, and so they seem disjointed.

I still remember a strange dream I had from last week. I was back in my house in my home town. Not really the house, but the alley in front of my house. For some reason, my grandma and I and maybe one more person were walking down the alley. It was a dead end, and we were going to the last house at the end of the alley. I dont' know who we were visiting, but we ended up in someone's house. I fell asleep on someone's bed and the sky turned dark and came a heavy rain. Suddenly awakened, I found someone crouching by the door, as if trying to open the door but couldn't. It was my grandma. Suddenly felt very sad to see her all curled up in that position. So I went and tried to help her and realised something funny. She was fading off and I couldn't see her clearly. I thought to myself, "This is bad. I better get her to bed". Then I carried her to the bed and we both got into bed. I remember thinking how nice it was to be able to hug her to sleep. Then the dream kind of ended. I woke up remembering what my aunt said about how grandma went to hide at a corner in the hospital after she had a blood transfusion. She didn't want to stay in the hospital and wanted to go home. It was a close call and they thought she wouldn't make it. I cried, silently, when I heard that and wished that I was there. There's no doubt that she's at a far better place now.

I guess I just miss her. Wish I could give her a hug now.

Days

2005-07-19T09:45:00.000+08:00

Years ago, I created a silly little poem about days of working life. As you can see, I was quite bored at work. Not really a poem actually. Just some words. Today I'm suddenly reminded of it when my friend asked me, "So do you like Tuesday?". Then I realised it's probably because I grumbled to her about Monday yesterday...

A little something...

2005-07-15T07:46:00.000+08:00

Feel a little detached these days. A little sick, a little tired, a little less motivated, a little lethargic, a little distant, a little weird. I wonder if a little of everything will add up to be something else. Got off to a bad start on Monday. Kept wishing that I was sick so I can take the day off and rest. And so it happened yesterday. I don't think I was really sick, you know, like the kind that you can't function properly. Told the doctor that I feel a little dizzy, a little headache, a little unwell and a little coughing. Doctor said if I have had enough rest. I thought and said, "I guess not". Sometimes I can't really tell for sure if I'm healthy or sick. I guess I just wanted to do nothing for one day and not work.

I think I have what I call 發呆症.

Be With You

2005-07-05T12:47:00.000+08:00

If you only have time/money to watch one movie this week or this month, may I recommend to you a tender love story, "いま、?いにゆきます". The official English translation is "Be With You". You can also find the synopsis/details in English from the TBS website.

Haven't been touched by a movie for quite some time, with the exception of "A Moment to Remember" I watched recently. I remember feeling equally touched after watching "Love Letter" some years ago. All with great storyline, excellent acting and beautiful cinematography. Come to think of it, I should compile my list of Top Ten movies of all time.

Hmmm.....

2005-06-22T11:48:00.000+08:00

I guess it's ok now. This is like life. Sometimes it's ok, sometimes it's not. The moral of the story? Don't get too caught up in life's ups and downs. It's true it won't always be happy and glorious, but it won't always be down and out either. Depression must be one of the biggest (silent) killers for urban folks, next to lifestyle diseases.

Test...

2005-06-22T11:47:00.000+08:00

My blog is turning up funny...

Sinking

2005-06-07T00:42:00.000+08:00

I'm not sure what to say. Keep having the helpless sickening sinking feeling these days. A sort of .... resigned ... feeling. Don't have much words to describe it.

I don't know why but I feel a little sad today. I feel jaded, tired and ... flawed.

Touched..

2005-05-26T22:31:00.000+08:00

I know this may come a bit late, but it's never too late to say thank you, I guess. Anyway, to all my friends and family who's taken part in the celebration of the latest chapter of my life in any way, a very big thank you and *hugs* to you all.

I had one of my most surprise gift ever which i handpicked myself unknowingly. Now that I think of it, how could I have not suspected anything is really beyond my understanding. It's my Mr. White, prince charming. M threatened that if I were to lose it again, I'd have to buy another one out of my pocket so no one will notice. I supposed now that it's all white and oh-so-lovely, the possibility of me losing it should be quite low. I'm talking about my new creative muvo v200 mp3 player by the way.

It was quite a full day, I must say, my birthday. Although it wasn't as exciting as last year but hey, one shouldn't expect such exciting birthday all the time, it was, a very heartwarming day. As I was ushered to the theatre blindfolded, I thought to myself, what good deeds have I done to deserve such loving kindness? I guess I can never thank God enough for all the good things and wonderful people He's placed in my life. Even simple phone calls from long time friends made me very happy.

And no, the big 3 wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. I thought the sky would fall, or the ground would shake, but nay....life goes on as usual, and people still think that I'm gullible and that I constantly need to be taken care of.... *sigh* OK, fine, while I know I can take care of myself, it's nice to be taken care of. Hehehehe...

So, people, you know who you are, so please know that I'm very thankful for the friendship/love/care you've showered me with. And yes, I know you feel the same way about me too. Heh.

I think....

2005-05-09T23:06:00.000+08:00

my entries are getting too lengthy. It gives me headache. I should chop up my thoughts into pieces... and serve them intermittently...

The city that never sleeps...

2005-05-08T00:55:00.000+08:00

Decided to write something after my friend asked me why I've stopped blogging... Actually even I started getting sick of looking at my blog that hasn't been updated... I think I told her that I've been too busy, and I wasn't kidding. But if you ask me what I've been busy with, I can't really tell you.

Anyway, a little something of what I did over the May Day holiday. Some people thought I was nuts to take time off from work to go to this place for a pathetic conference/summit that seemed to be very bizarre in nature... It's a Asia Pacific regional summit for my university. Kinda like a gathering for the alumni, but on a major scale because of all the BIG shots... You can call it a conference, I guess. This is one of those rare occasions that I met so many "important" people. Felt a little (actually quite a bit) insecure cos many of my fellow alumni are what I'd classify as "upper" class folks. It was rather intimidating at first, but I couldn't care less after a while. Thankfully most of them were quite easy going and some seemed just as insecure as I was. Hahaha.... Maybe some just put up a really good act. Anyway, it was good that we had a common ground; we all (ok, not all) graduated from the same university. A rather beautiful one, I must say. Met some really interesting people. I wanted to laugh when I saw a bunch of young people all gathered together. I could tell they were from commerce from a mile away. And I guessed it right, they were commerce students on a course trip or something. Mind you, I wasn't laughing at them, but I was laughing at the idea that we could always tell which ones are from commerce or engineering or arts in school, from the way people dress and behave. Most Engineering students always dress pretty shabily (like I was and still am) whereas commerce students always dress up like they are going for an important meeting.

Had some pretty interesting conversations. Most of the time I had to pretend that I had some sort of intelligence... which wasn't easy... Hahaha.... Of course, I'd prefer to have some quiet conversations with a smaller group of people, but I guess it was an interesting experience. Although I was really tired after talking to x no. of people that I'm starting to (not surprisingly) have problems remembering their names/faces now..

Let me see, the last time I went to HK, I spent V day at the space museum watching some underwater documentary on Omnimax. That was a much more enjoyable trip, hanging out with friends that made the trip all the more worthwhile.

This trip round, it felt more like a business trip, although I thought (naively) that I could do some R&R. Too short a time, and I realised I'm not a good shopper under pressure.. Get very stressed actually, when I shop with a deadline in mind. Come to think of it, I don't enjoy shopping much. Sometimes I hate it. For some female friends of mine, they find that hard to believe.... Anyway, I really didn't have anything in particular that I REALLY wanted to get. Even my usual shopping stops of VCDs/CDs shops started to look all the same to me after 10-15 minutes of walking around... Although I still got 2 movies and 1 CD. Heh. Very proud of myself that I spent less than I thought. =)

Really like the different modes of transport there, with star ferry being my favourite. Attempted to take some photos from the ferry terminal but I guess it didn't turn up too well. I think star ferry is one of the best thing they're still keeping.

This is also the first time I had a taste of what "New Territory" is like. Interesting aside, it's a rather incovenient location for tourists. I got a little nervous and started praying when I reached the place at 1:30 in the morning, especially when I was the last person on the bus when it reached the interchange and I wasn't sure where exactly was the hotel... All sorts of stories/images started racing through my mind as I got off the bus. Thankfully some nice bus conductor showed me the way and it didn't take too long before I got back to my room. There was some slight delay because I actually went to the wrong tower (this hotel has 2 towers) and I suddenly realised it looked different. Hahaha....

All in all, I must say that HK has a special place in my heart. I've always thought that it's vibrant and full of energy. Come to think of it, many places have a special place in my heart..... But I'm not sure if it's me that's changed or the city, but it looked a little tired and jaded this time. The government has done a decent job to make it a cleaner place, but I felt that something is ... missing. What is it? Is it because I didn't get to spend time with the city? Or is it because I was too distracted? Hmmm....

欲言又止

2005-04-18T00:19:00.000+08:00

That's how I feel sometimes. More and more at times. Sometimes I know there's nothing I can say to help the situation, so I keep quiet. But there are times I wonder if I say or do something, perhaps, just perhaps, it will make a difference. But then again, there's always the possibility that what I say or do will have an adverse impact. I have no idea. Relationships in life are fragile. Not everyone wants to know what you have to say. Some people just want to know that you are there, even if you say nothing at all. Some, already know what you have to say, but they have to figure it out themselves. Some struggles in life just aren't that easy to ... settle. Maybe that's why those unrealistic shows on TV are so popular, like those Korean/Japanese/Taiwanese drama series, because for many, life is painful enough already. Who wants to watch another sad, depressing, realistic portrayal in life?

Don't know why I wrote what I wrote. Wanted to write something else, actually.

Last Saturday, I witnessed one of the worst horrors that can happen to a family - a young motorcyclist was flung off his bike and got run over by a bus. I didn't witness the accident itself, but the aftermath. There I was, in the car, as I passed through the lifeless body lying on the road, I saw not just a body, but a young man, who was probably some proud mother or father's son, or a close friend to someone, or a boyfriend to some nice girl. And at the split second, all was crushed for them. I'm sure he had a story to tell. I wonder what's his story about? Was he rushing home to his parents? Was he returning from school/work? What did he do that day before the fateful accident? What was his dreams? Did he have any siblings? Did he like sports or movies? Had he ever thought about how he would die one day? Was he a Christian? Couldn't help but feeling deeply sorry for him and his family. Sudden death is probably one of the most difficult things to cope in life.

Later I found out that he was a 20 yr old NS man. Incidentally, the same day another died in a similar accident. A few days later I read that a total of 5 fatal accidents occurred in that short few days, and all of them involved motorcyclists. Couldn't help but wonder what were their stories?

I guess I was affected by this incident, because I started telling everyone about it for the next few days, as if by doing so it could make things.... better. I guess it was because I had quite a good look at this young man, accompanied by a pool of blood, and some ..... unidentified stuff. My friend who was in the car too, didn't really get a good look because of her position, and also because she was short sighted (she was quite thankful for that) didn't realise the impact until later when she started feeling sick and nauseous at home. It's one thing to see dead people on TV/screens, but it's a complete different thing to see death in its raw form, with no pretension, and in your face. Don't ask me why I looked (I didn't just look, but stared). You know how people always slow down when passing by an accident? I call it a morbid fascination with death and destruction. Most likely because we're unmistakenly, sinners. Once again, I couldn't help but think that we all need God so so badly.

That day, I thanked God that I was alive.

And then I spent the next 5 days working like a mad dog. What an irony. Alive but completely exhausted by the non-essential stuff in life. Although the mad rush is over, for now, I wonder when will the next phase start again. It's not supposed to be like this.

Pain

2005-03-27T15:27:00.000+08:00

Realised I don't write as much these days. It's probably because:

1) When I have the time, I don't feel like writing
2) When I feel like writing, I'm too busy or too tired
3) I have nothing to say or I want to say too much
4) I feel like sleeping everytime I'm about to write something, or that I shouldn't waste my time on blogging when I don't even spend the same time talking to God or reading His word.
5) I'd start writing nonsense when I start anyway....
6) I forgot what I wanted to say...

Keep having the urge to sigh these days. It's a bad habit. Have to consciously stop myself from doing that as depression will kick in if I'm not careful enough. Was caught off guard when bro asked if I was going into depression again.

Wrote a whole bunch of stuff... but I guess I'll just let it go.

It's been a while...

2005-03-14T22:41:00.000+08:00

Indeed... what a crazy 1 month it has been. It feels as if I have been cut off from the rest of the world, almost. Especially the past 2 weeks, the little so called "free time" I had, I had to spend it on downloading mail for work. Think I'm prone to be a workaholic. Sometimes I think I can keep working until I burst, but sometimes I feel like giving up as I don't see the point of carrying on.

For those who are remotely interested, I was away for a few days in Malaysia for my grandma's memorial service with my dad and aunt. A few days after I got back, I went to Vietnam for a work assignment. Was stuck there for almost 2 weeks. Quite an exhausting trip.

Where do I even begin? After I stopped blogging due to various reason, I felt as if I was slowly losing the ability to communicate. Yet there is so much more I want to express that I feel like screaming. Verbally though, as many friends who may notice by now, I'm quite handicapped. J calls it "verbal constipation".

Often wonder if there will come a time when you can record your thoughts instantly. Some sort of polaroid thoughts camera. Constant fear of forgetting what makes me laugh, happy, cry and yes, even painful memory. Can you imagine? A life with no memory? That's worse than dying, I think.

It's been a month since grandma went to her permanent home. It may be good and bad that I have been completely swamped by work. It has temporarily stopped me from missing her too much. Sometimes though, the thought of her come to me at the most ... unexpected time. Like lunch time when I'm queing for food, when my brain is idle, or when I'm alone and my brain is too active and starts wandering...

I am very very glad that I decided to try my best to get a few days off work so I could attend grandma's memorial service. I was almost convinced that it was impossible as there was a big project going on (still is, actually). Dad said it was ok for me not to go, but I sensed that he really wanted me to go. I could hear it in mom's voice too. Eventually I decided that it would be the right choice, and I should spend time with him and it would also be a rare opportunity whereby I can meet and catch up with my relatives. I met many cousins/nephews/nieces/uncles/aunts that I've not seen before. Even had a chance to take a peak at my primary/secondary school and even met an old friend and ate some local delicacies. That was quite cool. Sometimes a little extra effort can make a big difference. It's good to have friends at times like this when they'll question you and make you wonder, is it really impossible or have I not tried hard enough?

I won't forget the precious time that I had with dad and my aunt on the way to the airport at JB. Found our more about grandma in that journey; some were amazing, some were funny while some were sad. I could hear the pride in my aunt's voice as she talked about grandma's life. She really was a cool lady. I remember crying silently in the taxi and at the airport. Looking through the photos that Aunt brought, I tried to imagine what was it like to be there at the funeral and the cremation process. Never attended a funeral in Vancouver before, I think. It is quite different from what they have here. An interesting experience neverthless, the memorial service/funeral in Malaysia. Colour coded and all. Maybe I'll write about it in more details later.

That's enough for today.

Changed address

2005-02-15T08:03:00.000+08:00

Ah mah (grandma) went home to be with the Lord yesterday around 7a.m. She now has a permanent address in heaven. I know this is the best ending and I'm happy that she's finally rested in the house of God, but somehow I'm having problems stoppping the pain of losing her. Dad choked when he called me yesterday. I think it was the first time I heard him cried. He has always been calm and cool (except when he can't find his glasses).

Ah mah, I'll recite you Psalm 23 in Chinese when I see you again in heaven. I memorised it yesterday.

Grandma

2005-02-13T19:38:00.000+08:00

Dear grandma,

Although I've prepared myself since long ago that one day, I will receive the phone call that tells me that you're going away, still, it came as a shock to hear that you've had a stroke and half of your body has lost its function. I guesss I have been selfish to secretly wish that you will always be there when I come home each time, or that you can watch me get married and I'll be able to proudly proclaim that you're great grandma to my kids, or to be able to hug you and to touch the silvery white hair of yours, or to hear you sing the song that you learned when you were a kid with a voice that sounds like a little girl, or to hear the many stories of how you managed to raise all 5 children single-handedly, or to hear you pray and sing hymns with such passion, or to watch the wrinkled face of yours, or to hear what marvellous things God has done in your life...

I broke down when I called you, as you struggled to make noise to communicate with me. My heart ached further as dad tells me that not only have you lost the ability to speak, you've also lost your vision and the ability to eat or drink. I know that what you really want now is to be home with the Lord, and I know that these few years haven't been easy for you as your body starts to fail you slowly and you feel that God is slow in answering your prayer. We've often talked about your desire to be with the Lord and everytime I'm amazed, of how well prepared you are, everything from what you will wear (they're very well kept, I must say), what display photo to use, and where you wish to send your ash to. To be honest, I don't know why God hasn't taken you away, and why He has given you many more years when you thought you had no reason to stay back. Perhaps God wanted to bless many others through your life. I know I have been so wonderfully blessed to have you as my grandma and many times I couldn't have made it if it weren't for your constant prayers and encouragement. Indeed God has been gracious to our family that we had the opportunity to live with you. Your life has a deep impact on mine. Your faith, your testimony and your unconditional love for your children and grandchildren and great grandchildren, they are something that I will always cherish. The joy that you've brought to my life and to the family is invaluable. I'm sorry that I haven't always been there for the past few years. I feel guilty that I didn't decide to go back earlier and keep you company for the last of your years. I know you have always longed to see me come home. Still remember how you used to prepare your famous sea cucumber for me, and how you fussed about getting the kampung chicken to make chicken soup, and the many interesting food you made that I don't know the name, before you became to weak to cook. Oh, did I tell you that I loved to eat the pickles you made from the vegetables you grew at the backyard? So many fond memories we shared, I will cherish them.

Grandma, if you're feeling down and miserable because you can't move or speak or see, please don't forget that you're not alone. You're surrounded by people who love you and respect you very much. You said that you've lived a hard life, but don't worry, God has prepared some great rewards for you in heaven, because you have run a full race, faithfully. He has seen how you have devoted your life and loved him. He knows. If you're afraid, remember:

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You annoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

- Psalm 23

And oh, once again, please remember that I love you, very very much. If God decides to take you home soon,

別擔心﹐ 我一切都好。
.
.
我會過得很好。
.
.
我會想念你。
.
.
謝謝你愛我。

.

Stretched....

2005-02-04T07:53:00.000+08:00

Some of the expressions that describe how I feel every morning:

1. Run over by a bus/truck

2. An old and battered floor mat that everyone's stepped on

3. That I'm drowning and there's no one around to save me

4. A lonely toilet paper roll that's reaching the end of its roll

5. A loser that's been hit by a heavyweight champion and about to pass out

6. An obsolete computer (486??) that nobody wants

7. An old and heavy FORD

8. A pair of glasses that a big fat lady has accidentally sat on

9. A runaway train that's falling off a cliff

10. That some idiot has grabbed my head and shake it so violently that it's induced a constant spinning feeling

11. An overstretched rubber band

.
.
.
.
.

My 17

2005-01-29T23:46:00.000+08:00

A week has passed since I last wrote. Such a pity. I have much to write about and yet there's no time. It's been a rather crazy week at work, and I expect more of such to come.. Sigh. And it doesn't help that there's this growing suspicion that my computer at home is slowly reaching the end of its life. It seems to be huffing and puffing to load even simple pages... Bad bad sign.... Come to think of it, it has served me ... relatively well. It's almost as old as the time that I've spent here in this part of the world. Some of the components, at least.

Received a package today that put smiles on my face. A fellow cheeregoer has been kind enough to get me a copy of Cheer's latest single "After 17" in HK. Was pleasantly surprised to find that she's put some journal entries from when she was 17. Rather unique.

Someone has translated the lyrics:

After 17 (English Translation) – released on 31/12/2004

Step by step I walked past my yesterday’s childishness
My childishness gave me courage
Everyday and everyday new toys are being sold via the tv
My toy is my secret
From that day onwards
I have made a decision
Not to accept anyone’s invitation easily
From that day onwards
Listen to my reasoning
When I am after 17

Step by step I walked past my yesterday’s childishness
Childishness protect my body
Everyday and everyday new toys are being sold via the tv
My toy is myself
From that day onwards
I have made a decision
From that day onwards
Not to be mindful of other’s denials
From that day onwards
Listen to my reasoning
When I am after 17
When I am after 17

Taken from Yahoo! Groups: cheeregoers

Sometimes it feels like I don't have memory of yesterday. Had some problems trying to remember bits and pieces of My 17. What did happen when I was 17? Hmm.... Jan 5, 1992 - the night when I first set foot in that beautiful land called Canada. I remember wearing my thick white jacket for the first time, breathing in the cold air that seemed to cut right down to my lung. Later on I found out that Vancouver is considered to have very mild winter compared to the rest of Canada, and I started to doubt if I could survive the many winters to come. I remember it took what I felt like eternity to get out of the custom and out of the airport. Exhausted from the more-than-24 hrs flight, I almost died when our relatives took us to Uncle Willy's for a late dinner/supper. Food was the last thing on my mind really, but luckily I was distracted by meeting some of my cousins/nieces/nephews/uncles/aunties that I have either never met before or I have met them briefly during my almost-forgotten-childhood. The fact that I've travelled so many hundreds/thousands of kilometers and still able to meet an interesting group of people called "family" was, strangely heartwarming.

First subzero winter,
First day in high school, when I realised I didn't have to wear uniforms,
First locker partner, who seemed so aloof initially that it took a while for her to warm up to me, but a really cool friend and I just love her chinese name,
First time I felt maybe there's too much freedom,
First experience with skytrain and buses that didn't run on gas,
First stroll at Stanley Park and going oohs and aahs at the view (Ok, that probably didn't happen at 17),
First touch of snow and the shocking feeling of how weightless snow was,
First trip to Canaan Church where it was a lot smaller than I thought,
First encounter with a denomination that I had never heard of - FDA,
First family car, a 2nd hand Toyota Corolla
First visit to the largest shopping centre I've ever been to (it has expanded even more now) and found out why they called superstore Superstore,
First Physics class and thereafter I started to worry about whether I'd get into university,
First visit to Chinatown,
First savings account,
First time I realised why Vancouverites love the sun and summer time - it's the only time they get to play in the sun since there's this nagging drizzles and gloomy sky that fills the city throughout the most part of the year except during summer,
First time I realised I was such a baby in my spiritual life, and that there is a lot more to living a Christian life than just going to church and reading the bible,
First time it dawned on me that I was no longer a child and adulthood awaited me.

My 17..... I'm glad my memory is still intact for this part of my life. No guarantee for anything after that.

What was your 17 about?

Speechless....

2005-01-22T01:16:00.000+08:00

Nothing much to blog about lately.... Not sure if it's because my brain is slowing down or something is clogging up my mind. Maybe the brain cells are degenerating.

Found that I've been doing my laundry almost always very late at night. Subsequently it became my excuse for staying up late as I would habitually continue to linger on. Too late for my own good. Love the smell of fresh clean laundry though. My favourite is the kind that is sun-dried, although I don't usually get it. Anyway, dry laundry is good enough for me. It reminds me of my experience a few years back when I would always ask my housemate if my laundry is considered dried because I can never quite figure out or decide if they are truly dry. And she'd frequently exclaim, "Aiyah! Of course it's dry! Even people are dried under such weather, let alone clothes!" (in cantonese). She's now happily married with a baby girl.... Those days when my room was a loud pink.... and the living room was bright yellow with dull green sofa....and the kitchen was screaming red.... and all the doors were blinding blue... Don't ask me how I survived 2 years there.... Think after that "exciting" experience, I would no longer be surprised by any colour combination. Maybe I've become colour blind...

I know what you're thinking, "What a mess!?" Sorry to say that my present room is in an even worse condition. But if your reaction is, "The colour looks alright...What's wrong?". Wait till you see the living room, man....

Just a little bit more...

2005-01-18T13:15:00.000+08:00

Just want to say a little bit more about the musical. Overall I found the acting better than what I expected. Needless to say, Cheer's portrayal of the blind girl was perfect, IMHO. Not only did she captured the essence and look of the blind girl in Jimmy's book, but also the vulnerability and fragility as well as the persistence and courage. I was a little worried that she was going to trip and fall over the platform (there was one scene at the beginning where she nearly tripped - I think that was real because her voice kind of faltered a lil). I guess it was quite tedious to see the surrounding clearly in sunglasses).

Usually the actions/expressions you see in plays/musicals are a lot more obvious/emphasized compared to say movies because it's difficult for the audience to see, I guess. But for Cheer, she was able to express herself in a quiet manner yet significant, which I believe came from her body language/movement and her voice, and not so much from her facial expression. Quite amazing, I thought. Maybe it's just me. =) It makes me wonder what kind of person is she. Some of the stuff that she wrote are rather intriguing.

Whereas the lady who portrayed the toy soldier/penguin provided comical relief and was probably the most memorable character next to the blind girl. Oh, and who can forget the cute inflated elephants! I was most impressed by the props and backdrop (how did they change the backdrop? Just by projector?? Cool), and the costume as well.

Hmm... think this is actually my first musical. Was always too broke to watch any musical when I was a student.

One last thing, my favourite song from the musical; love the lyrics, which was penned by Cheer herself. Fell in love with it the first time I heard it.

在空盪的廣場﹐ 在空盪的海洋﹐
我學會了退後的飛翔﹐退後在熟睡的夢鄉。
時間來了﹐ 一個人走在一分鐘的漫長﹐
沉默來了﹐ 一個人偷走了一分鐘的光。
在空盪的廣場﹐ 在空盪的海洋﹐
我學會了退後的飛翔﹐退後在熟睡的夢鄉﹐
在深夜的廣場﹐ 在嘆息的海洋﹐
誰代替我撫摸柔軟的海浪﹐ 代替我遺失的雙手啊。

Afterthoughts....

2005-01-17T21:56:00.000+08:00

Am going to attemp to write about the play/musical "Sound of Colours", although I'm not very sure what I'm going to write. Still trying to remember the scenes from the musical. A few friends have asked me how was the musical, and whether it was what I have hoped for and more.. With my limited capacity brain, I need to do a bit more thinking/digestion before I can answer that honestly.

To be honest, I didn't (and still don't) understand most parts of the musical. I mean, I understood the dialogue and all that but I wasn't very sure what the director wanted to convey for some of the parts. The most of it was quite surreal and "deep" if you know what I mean. Some may feel that the most of the singing wasn't fantastic but I appreciate their effort and sincerity. I guess it's really not easy to sing and dance and remember all the dialogues and worry about changing costumes at the same time! Anyway, none of it impaired my ability to enjoy the musical. Afterall, my main reason of catching the musical is because of Cheer. Haha... The other plus was the music arrangement and the piano playing/sound, which I enjoyed.
First and foremost though, the one thing that I was looking forward to was Cheer's voice, and I wasn't disappointed. I was almost relieved when her voice first broke through the air - it was reassuring to hear the same crystal clear voice that I knew. Her voice cut through the theatre like a breeze of cool fresh air on a hot summer day, awakening those asleep. I particularly liked the last part where she sang solo without accompaniment and there was absolute silence except her voice, filling the entire space. Today I was thinking to myself, why is it that we're drawn to voice of certain people? How can I explain this, it's like most of us would probably have a favourite singer or two whereby their songs/voices just impress us so much that we decided he/she shall be my favourite singer and that would be the benchmark. It's a conscious decision, I guess. After a while, it becomes a habbit and after a little more, it becomes part of your life.

Anyway, I don't know how I got into that discussion. I guess there're a lot of underlying themes/messages in the musical. It's about many things - the fusion between reality and imagination, when does reality end and when does fantasy begin and vise versa? Are we ever sure of our memory? It's about how a blind girl deals with the harsh reality of the death of her father and the abandonment by her mother either physically or mentally, and becoming blind. Along the way, she takes the subway and journeys through life, whilst meeting different characters/people including an angel, a mysterious man in black, a lonely poet, a lost girl name Alice, a toy soldier who's been forgotten by its owner, etc. As she accepts the invitation to this amazing party where miracles are promised to happen, she searches for hope and yearns for the impossible. Somewhere down the line, the line dividing between fairy tale and reality becomes blurred. Where does fiction end and where does reality being? Sometimes the imagination becomes part of the memory and memory becomes fiction. For me, I see the subway taking on the form of various issues in life - the memory that life shapes, the imagination and fantasy that life evokes, the inevitable confusion that occurs in life, the longing and desire of life we cling on to, the natural inclination towards the search for escape from reality, and eventually we're faced with the decision of whether we want to take on the courage to live and to live life without regrets. So what happens in life? You ask questions, but you don't always get the answers you want. You make certain decisions in life but you have to bear the consequences, positive or negative, regardless of whether your decision is right or wrong.

在這個城市里﹐ 我不斷地迷路。
不斷地坐錯車﹐ 並一再坐錯車。

其實﹐ 我那裡都不想去。
然而﹐ 會有人在地下鐵的出口等我嗎﹖
他會為我撐傘﹐ 緊握著我的手﹐ 告訴我星星的方向﹐ 陪我走一段路。

Hope

2005-01-16T01:53:00.000+08:00

Doesn't this picture remind you of the movie spiderman? It does for me anyway.

Always have the urge to look up when I'm in a building with high ceiling or when I'm walking in a open field. Love taking pictures of the things above me. Although I can't reach it, I can at least freeze the moment temporarily. Looking up gives me a sense of hope in this hopeless world. It reminds me that things are not that bad afterall. The sky is not falling, yet.

I still remember that night at Tofino before my cousin's wedding (one of the most memorable wedding I have ever attended I must say), as I looked up the sky and oh my, I was absolutely blown away by the starry sky. Never have I seen so many stars in the sky. I probably would've slept outside the villa under the sky if it wasn't so cold. I attempted to take a picture, but it was too dark so.... Yet I'm thankful that I had the priviledge to enjoy that precious moment.

Count down

2005-01-13T23:27:00.000+08:00

Finally, the long awaited musical is here this weekend. Something to look forward to!! So happy. =)

One of my favourite photos.

Hope to be able to meet 陳老師 in person and tell her how much I enjoy her music. But I guess I'll probably end up not doing anything cos I won't know what to say if I actually meet her in real life. Sometimes I wonder what would be my reaction if that happens. What would I say to her? Would I be able to chat with her like a long lost friend? Would we be able to talk about the last movie we saw, or the last book we read, or the songs that's touched us, or the really cool food we ate somewhere? Would we be able to understand each other? I'm sure she farts somtimes, just like everyone else.... Or would my mind just turn into lots of blank space? Why do we feel the need to identify with or relate to others?

Sometimes when you think too highly of someone, you will behave strangely in front of that person. Hmmmm...

Dreams.....

2005-01-13T13:00:00.000+08:00

Maybe I shouldn't be dreaming too much.... but oh, it looks so good...

Thoughts are running wild...... I can't control myself...... Help.

想

2005-01-10T23:19:00.000+08:00

最近腦袋
總是一片空白
不知為何
想來想去
還是想不透
不知在想什麼
誰可以告訴我
我到底在想什麼?

我放棄。

Ouch....

2005-01-10T23:05:00.000+08:00

For those who didn't get to see my pretty toe.... This one's for you. Heh.

Inspired.....not...

2005-01-08T02:07:00.000+08:00

Before the night ended, I was very inspired and thought I would write something..... smart....something that proves that I'm not an idiot.... But nay..... after doing absolutely nothing productive and wasting my time online, I have come to the un-inspired state of mind... Actually, it's just extreme tiredness..... I've gone from not-so-bright to being stupid..... Stupid enough to not go to bed even though my eyes are perpetually wanting to close..... Stupid enough to not stop even when I am beyond tiredness....

And now I've got an injured toe to take care of. Hmmm.... what's a good description....... I know... A clumsy idiot!

Good nite, Barney.

Life after Zach....

2005-01-05T22:27:00.000+08:00

Guess what's his name? 小白, duh. Ok, maybe it is Snow. Or is it Snowy? I know, I know, he's kinda not very well groomed but he's a good dog.... Anyway, my aunt and uncle just have to have dogs in their house..... Let me see, Friskie was the first dog (my cousin likes to call all dogs Friskies), followed by another dog, then Zach, then they were babysitting someone's dog for a while. His name was Asa (try saying it Chinese style), a Lassie, I'm sorry, I meant a Collie. And there was that cat Psycho! Talk about psychotic cat.... Come to think of it, where is that cat??? I should have his picture somewhere.... Then they were babysitting my cousin's dog for a while, Joey. And now 小白

Anxiety Attack

2005-01-05T13:24:00.000+08:00

You know what's the worst kind of anxiety? It's when you know there're something very important to be done and you don't know what to do. The feeling of helplessness can be sickening. It's worst when it concerns life and death.... I guess I was just feeling too much. Decided to stop watching and reading the news for a while.
Thanks to the precious phone call that saved me from sinking deeper, I'm glad I managed to talk things through with friends. The comfort that their presence and encouragement bring is..... invaluable. I'll do what I can, with what I have, and I leave the rest to the Big Guy up there.

Either that or it was just an odd case of food poisoning. *shrug*

More....

2005-01-03T22:20:00.000+08:00

7. Improve my posture (I met my friend's patient and heard that she had to go through an operation because of bad posture.... That freaked me out...)
8. Exercise regularly, at least once a week
9. Clean up my resume and find a new job
10. To find organisation in the midst of disorganisation - I've given up putting down "clean my room" as one of my new year's resolutions, because it's never been realised. So this may be a better idea...

Hmmm.... looks like a pretty extensive list. Think I'm being too ambitious again.... Oh well, what the heck...

New Outlook

2005-01-02T23:21:00.000+08:00

This past year has been incredible. Looking back at 2004, it has really been a growing/learning experience for me. This is one year that I actually remembered most of the major things that happened. There were times when I fell and times when I soared; there were times when I cried and times when I laughed; there were times when I was in agony and pain, and times when I was elated; there were times when I felt rejected and times when I felt so loved; there were times when I felt misunderstood and times when I couldn't have asked for a better chemistry, and many more...

A passage came to my mind and I've decided it will be my theme passage this year:

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
(Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

The entire chapter (actually the entire book) describes the world today perfectly, but I guess I won't type them all out.

Anyway, coming to the original purpose of this post, that is, to pen down my new year's resolutions, before I forget them completely:
1. Be diligent in studying the word of God (I say this every year and yet every year I feel like I haven't done quite enough).
2. Read the bible everyday no matter how late it is or how tired I am. At least one chapter.
3. Spend my money wisely, and that I'll stick to the budget planning I've made for myself. I shall NEVER again, spend more than what I earn....unless it's an exceptional situation.
4. Be more sensitive to the needs of those around me, especially close friends and family, and be less of a clutz.
5. Be more bold and less blue.
6. And finally, to find a good Christian boy. Hahahahah....

Can't think of anything bright to add anymore.... Time to recharge my battery...

Loss

2005-01-02T22:23:00.000+08:00

Year 2005 has finally come. Keep thinking if I'm ready or not but then I realised it doesn't matter. Whether you're ready or not, today will still become yesterday. Time will not wait for you whether you're ready or not, old or young, rich or poor, male or female, strong or weak. Much like that fateful tidal waves tragedy last Sunday. Tears continue to be shed as more lives are claimed.
Went to a wake service for a sister in church who was killed in Phuket when the tidal waves hit. Never like going to funerals or wake services, simply because I never quite know what to say to the family members. Even though I didn't know her personally, and her face looked unfamiliar, still, I shared the sorrow of her friends and family as they are still trying to come to terms with the loss of their beloved wife/mother/sis in law/aunt/friend. What do you say to someone who has lost their loved ones so suddenly? What words of comfort can you possibly offer to make them feel less painful? The only comfort the family has is that they know she is in good hands and that this is only a temporary separation. Still, we human beings naturally feel a deep sense of sorrow when someone so dear to you is no longer around physically. Coping with that reality for the next 10, 20, 30 years is the tough part.
Couldn't help but thinking, as I watched her sister in law delivered the eulogy in tears, how would I cope if it happens to me. Yes, it could've happened to anyone. Life is fair. God is fair.

Last day of 2004

2004-12-31T18:37:00.000+08:00

Nothing much to take note of. Just in case I'm no longer here tomorrow, I have left a piece of me behind today.

These 2 days have been crazy at work. On my boss's command, we had to scramble to get 2 media filters ready in 24 hours! Such seemingly impossible task, but we made it. Although we didn't do it in 24 hours, because it just wasn't possible. Anyway, it was all done in good will, to help to alleviate the worsening condition of water supply contamination at Maldives, so although it was tough, I was really happy when I sent the e-mail confirmation to get the party involved to collect the package on Monday. Of course, without all the support from suppliers, contractor, supervisors, it wouldn't have been possible.

Hope we can do something more for other countries like India, Sri Lanka and Indonesia.

Water is so precious....

When disaster like this strikes.....

2004-12-29T23:23:00.000+08:00

It's a wake up call. Time and time again, God has warned us through natural and man made disasters. A tragic disaster like this force us to realise that life IS extremely fragile. God can give us all, but he can also take all of that away. Because He is God. As the creator, He does have the right, you know. It's probably a hard fact to swallow for some. Everything happens for a reason. Perhaps God is lashing out His wrath for the unspeakable evils and sins that mankind is indulging in. Perhaps we have pissed Him off by not taking care of His creation. Perhaps this is a preview of THE END for the unbelievers. Perhaps it's a wake up call to us so called Christians to buckle up. Speculations. We're not God so we wouldn't know. When people do not listen, THIS is what make people pay attention. And I pray to God that people will start repenting and realise what a sinful world we live in. Time is running out and I feel a real sense of urgency. Seeing the death toll climbing at an exponential rate is shocking. This morning the death toll was 68,000, and now, it's over 80,000??? Do you know how many bodies that is?? I can't even begin to imagine... 12,000 in the span of just a few hours. How many of you can make $12,000 in a few hours or make 12,000 calls or walked 12,000 steps?? I can't help but am deeply saddened by the fact how many of those hundreds of thousands of souls were lost and most of them have probably not come to know the Lord.
It's sobering. Something so beautiful can also be so deadly. Suddenly all my problems seem so trivia next to this. It's easy for us to say that we should cherish what we have but most of the time, we're not doing what we say. We still get impatient when some idiots try to overtake us. We still get angry when people we love make some mistakes and piss us off. We still get upset over trivia stuff and dwell on things that should not. We still don't tell people that we love them enough. We still don't be honest with others when it's necessary. We still sit around and do nothing when someone needs help. We're still INDIFFERENT many times. What does it really mean to cherish what you have?
Am I being over critical? Am I just all talks and no action?

Zach

2004-12-27T23:09:00.000+08:00

Isn't he the most handsome Siberian Husky you've ever met?? I'll always remember you, Zachariah Cheng....

自言自語

2004-12-27T01:14:00.000+08:00

你說你寂寞﹐
我說我已習慣寂寞的來臨。
你說人為何怕寂寞﹐
我說人要懂得如何承受生活的磨煉才能長大
你說長大了又如何﹖
我啞口無言。

Post Christmas

2004-12-26T01:44:00.000+08:00

For some reason, I can't really write anything meaningful now. Staring at the screen for a few minutes, trying to write something at least memorable about this Christmas, and ...... blank. I'm sure I have something to say. I just can't remember. Or am I too tired that it's affecting my brain activities. Everything is slowing down.... Or is it just me?

Had dinner with my friend from high school in Australia tonight. It's a familiar and yet unfamiliar feeling talking to her. Then I realised that we first met each other like 14 yrs ago!! It sure didn't feel like it was THAT long ago... We have taken quite a different pathway in life. She said I haven't changed. I'd say the same thing to her too. Hahaha..... But listening to her listing out all the names that I used to know, but now feeling most guilty for not being able to remember who they are anymore... And most of them are married.... Now that's the scary part.....

Never again....

2004-12-24T08:17:00.000+08:00

Remind me why I should never put myself through this misery again.... Sleeping 2 1/2 hours just doesn't cut it, man.... I am beyond tired. I feel like I've been squashed by a really really fat elephant..... An elephant that is sitting on me and eating banana at the same time....

Clouds

2004-12-21T18:42:00.000+08:00

Look up....

旅行的意義

2004-12-20T23:14:00.000+08:00

I love Cheer because of many things, one of which is her voice. To me, her voice bears a magical touch that freezes time and everything else around. Listening to her songs is one of my stress relieving activities. And of course, I'm biased. I love guitar songs.....

旅行的意義 (2003)
曲詞：陳綺貞

你看過了許多美景
你看過了許多美女
你迷失在地圖上每一道短暫的光陰

你品嚐了夜的巴黎
你踏過下雪的北京
你收集書本裡每一句你最愛的真理

卻說不出你愛我的原因
卻說不出你欣賞我哪一種表情
卻說不出在什麼場合我曾讓你動心
說不出離開的原因

你累積了許多飛行
你用心挑選紀念品
你收集了地圖上每一次的風和日麗

你擁抱熱情的島嶼
你埋葬記憶的土耳其
你流連在電影裡美麗的不真實的場景

卻說不出你愛我的原因
卻說不出你欣賞我哪一種表情
卻說不出在什麼場合我曾讓你動心
說不出旅行的意義

卻說不出你愛我的原因
你卻說不出你欣賞我哪一種表情
卻說不出在什麼場合我曾讓你動心
說不出離開的原因

你勉強說出你為我寄出的每一封信
都是你旅行的意義

Let's start all over again....

2004-12-20T00:52:00.000+08:00

Tis the time of the year again to account for all the time that you've lost and wasted and suddenly you're overwhelmed by guilt that you haven't done what you've set out to do at the beginning of the year then you realised to your horror that you have left your mind at last year or the year before but you're in constant denial that age has caught up with you a long time ago and then you said what the heck crap happens and life goes on and then you continue with the battle of life......