Started this post a while back but couldn't quite finish it. But today, I think it's a good time to complete it. This is long overdue.

Mar 19 - I received a message from Da, "Hannah, are you there? Mickey passed away this morning."

I looked at his message again and again. What is this? Some kind of sick joke? April's fool was not here yet. But Da, he would not make this kind of joke. I said, "are you sure, Da? How, what happened?" It didn't make sense. How could this happen? I just received an e-mail from Mickey not too long ago regarding the paper that we were working on. He said the paper would fly with few changes. Could it be some kind of mistake? Mistaken identity? I have never known him to be very sick. He was always out and about running around working. Later it was found that he died of a heart attack in Bangkok.

For quite some time, I couldn't really comprehend the fact. Everytime I attended some interesting seminars or workshops in school, I'd think "Man! If only Mickey's here! He'd be sure to love all these neat ideas! He would probably make something fantastic out of this" And then I realized I would not be able to share this information with him and it was sad just to think about it.

I still remember the first time I met Mickey, back in August 2006 at the Phnom Penh Airport, when I set foot on Cambodia for the first time. It was after several months of communication with him that my plan to Cambodia finally came true. Pearly and I went on the trip as sort of a personal mission trip. It was almost 8 months after my first e-mail to him. Mickey came and picked us up at the airport. I remember feeling rather disoriented and anxious and didn't quite know what to expect but somehow it was reassuring to see him coming to pick us up personally. Later on I found out that he usually tried to pick up the guests/volunteers in person if he could. It was his way of easing the newcomers in to this fascinating land called Cambodia.

Looking back, that short 1-week in Cambodia was probably the major turning point of my life. It changed how I viewed mission work and gave me a chance to glimpse into the vision of a great man and his principle of living a life that impacts other lives. His life was one that inspired so many to live by example, and to understand the power of change, if one dares to put principles into practise. Nothing was too difficult for him; if there was a problem, his natural instinct was not to run away but how to solve it. Yet at the same, nothing was too trivia to him; the grass was overgrowing the pathway outside the lab and no one was doing anything about it, so he, the country director, went and cut the grass, even though it was someone else's job. His daughter was working on a science project and didn't know where to start; he took time out to teach her how to use the water testing kit and guided her, even though there were many people waiting to meet with him to talk about things that needed to be done for the day. His boys loved spending time with their dad; he would take them on fishing trips. He always took quick lunches and basically ate to replenish energy so he could get on to the next job. Ming always complained that he never took care of himself and didn't eat at regular time. People, young and old, loved to be around him and to hear what he had to say and I being one of them.

Sometimes (maybe quite often), he would offend people with the things he said when asked for his opinion, and sometimes it would be because of what he believed in, but he would not compromise. He always stood for what he believed in and given an opportunity, he would give his honest view, even though it would not be something that people like to hear. He was one of the hardest working individual I've come across, accustomed to spending his free time on trying to improve things around. When he played, he would play hard too, especially when he was devoting his time to his family. You know, there are some people whom you meet in the course in your life and you can tell when someone is genuine and truthful, confident but not proud, passionate but not overbearing, and Mickey was that kind of person.

The fact that he gave up a good job and a comfortable life in the US and uprooted his family to Cambodia in the 90s, a time when the country was still experiencing political instability with riots and gunshots and curfew being a common experience of life, it said a lot about his character, his courage, his faith and his beliefs. After he went on a mission trip to Cambodia, he made that decision and had never regretted since, because he believed that was where God wanted him to be. I can only imagine what it was like when they first established their home in Cambodia. Life was not as easy now. I remember Wendi, his wife, mentioned before, that they had experienced just about all the illnesses and funny things foreigners typically experienced. You name it, they had gone through it all. There're so many stories that the family can tell you that I'm not sure how long it'll take to hear them all. A story I'll always remember was how they got around town when they first arrived Phom Penh. They didn't have a car then but a motorcycle. Mickey would be driving and Wendi at the back with the twins one on each lap, and the 2 girls one in front and another in between Mickey and Wendi. I think that was the arrangement. So, 2 adults and 4 kids on a motorcycle. How crazy, eh? Even though "multi-stacking" is quite common in Cambodia still, that particular scene doesn't happen very often. Most of the time, it would be 4-5 people on a motorcycle.

God had blessed him with the special gift of generating endless bright ideas. It is absolutely amazing how someone can churn out ideas after ideas all the time. And even more amazing is that the passion never died, although I had seen him disappointed and frustrated. I asked him once what had kept him going all these years, apart from the special calling from God to be in Cambodia and his love for God? I remember asking this one day after he took yet another tour around and spent his precious time with them. Everytime he took a group, that was his time taken away from all the projects that needed his attention. Surely I thought, someone else can take the tour and show the guests around. Why waste the time? Of course, I knew few people around there can do as good a job as him, because he knew everything in RDI inside out and yet fewer can instill the kind of passion and impression that he created when he talked about all the projects going on. He looked me in the eye and said, "it has always been the people, Hannah. Even though very often my effort goes nowhere and worse, people don't appreciate it and it seemed futile, but there will be times something you say will hit something in someone's heart, and who knows? Seeds are sown and the person may just become someone who will make a difference in the lives of the people that I care about." (I'm paraphrasing a bit here of course). And so, he was willing to take tours whenever possible and he would go through the same drill everytime, and he never got tired of saying the same thing over and over again, day in day out, for years.

When I went to RDI the first time in 2006, the studio was still behind his old house. I was totally blown away by the stuff that RDI was doing. Mickey and the team at RDI obviously put in a lot of time and effort to create culturally sensitive life lessons as well as the gospel message. Simply cut and paste something from the western world just would not work in a place like Cambodia. And that was from years of observing the culture and experimenting with what worked and what didn't work. He started the studio work with just him alone. He did everything. And today the studio had blossomed into a reputable part of RDI that is sustainable, with great production like "New World".

I have learned much from Mickey. He taught me that no work is too small, because even something small can make a difference too. He reminded me the importance of people in the things we do. Sometimes we can get too caught up in doing the things that we do and neglect the people around us, when the whole purpose of doing the things are for the people! And it was also why he stressed the importance of doing things the right way. Too many people are eager to do good works but often they're too impatient to do things correctly but rather try to take short cuts and that often ended up hurting the very people they try to help.

Perhaps the important lesson I learned from Mickey is this: live your life to make an impact on others. Live by example with your life; impact lives with your life. And as Christians, that's what exactly we're supposed to do. What is Christian living? To live a life pleasing to God and follow the example of Jesus Christ. Show love and kindness to each other. Care for others. Tell the good news to others. Strive to live a righteous life. His love for God was evident in his gentle love for people by his action and his speech and that was his motivation for doing the things he did. I remember when my church elders came to visit and he showed them around and he shared about his experience with the compost toilet, that everytime he used the compost toilet, it was a reminder that he was doing it for God, because caring of the environment is what God has commanded too. And that was a daily reminder for him. He knew it was difficult to get the Khmers to get used to the idea of compost toilet, so he wanted to start by doing it himself and showed it to the people that it could be beneficial.

I guess I can go on and on about this very brilliant man but I'm afraid it would be too long and I will never post it. So this would have to do for now. His extraordinary life was one that made a difference in the lives of countless people he had come in contact with. I feel so privileged to have met him and had the unique opportunity to work with him for a year, even if it was really too short a time.

I read a post by Darren, a close friend of Mickey's family, and he mentioned that Mickey is the one person that he wanted EVERYONE that he knows to meet. I share the same sentiment. He really was such an inspiration.

Rest in peace, my friend.

"For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing." (2 Tim 4:6-8)

What did you do in the last hour of 2008 and first hour of 2009? What did you do on the last day of 2008? What does 2008 mean to you? What does 2009 mean to you? Did you make any new year's resolutions? Why do people make new year's resolutions and most of them fail to keep them? What are some of the highlights in 2008 for you? Why does everyone like to watch new year's eve countdown, either on tv or on location? What makes the last day of the year so special? Did you fulfill your new year's resolutions in 2008? Do you remember what happened in 2007's new year's eve? In fact, do you remember much of 2007? Does every year feel the same to you?

Just curious. Please answer them as you would in essay or point form and e-mail to me. You have 30 minutes.

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Fine, don't answer then.

I'm pretty sure I'm getting old. No new year's eve party for me (never fond of going to parties anyway). No longer terribly excited to meet new people (although it's a pleasant surprise when you meet someone new whom you can click with). But that's ok for me.

Watched "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" today with my brother. Quite an interesting show, and a good one to end the year with. I wonder how does it feel to live a life aging backwards.... If you're given a choice, would you like to live younger each day while everyone else is aging?

First day of 2009. For some it's the second day, while some probably still living in 2008. Ain't that funny? Wonder which time zone/countries is the last group to celebrate the start of 2009.

For me, the last thought before I go to bed is .... I thank God that I can spend the crossing of 2008 to 2009 with my family, although I do miss my friends in the far away land... Just want to thank my friends who has made all the past few years so special....and has become my pseudo family in a way. Hope you all know that I'm thankful and am thinking of you. If you're reading this, then you're probably one of the many that's touched me over the years.

Above all, to God be the glory who's made 2008 possible and a special year to me. I sure am looking forward to what He has in store for me in 2009....

It's been almost a week since I came back. Strange feeling it is to be back home. Sometimes I wonder if it's really home. What is home? Where is my home? Am I really home? Do I really feel at home? I always feel a bit "out of it" when I come back, even though this is where my family is. It doesn't help that I find uncertainty greeting me everywhere in my new journey. Being a student again is quite a new thing to me, after oh so many years.... I wonder how I'd fare. But that's life, isn't it? You're never sure of anything, and you should never take things for granted. Still, it's hard sometimes. You just get used to doing things certain way and you think it'll always stay this way.

So naturally, it's a bit difficult to get into gear when one's distracted, but I've expected this to happen so I guess I just have to take things slowly. And the Christmas/New Year holiday puts me on holiday mood, so I don't feel like doing anything at all! Everytime I come back to Vancouver I feel sleepy. Almost like hibernating...

Back to this thing called "home". As I was pondering on it, I was suddenly reminded of the verses in the book of Matthew, chapter 6:

19"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

I guess home is kind of like heart, so I asked myself, where are my treasures? If I've stored them in heaven then I wouldn't be so worried about where is home, eh? Or all the other things in life. That was comforting to me and even though the hurdles in life still await me, somehow they don't seem as scary. My biggest treasure here on earth is probably the people that I love. So home is everywhere with them in it.

Gee... my first entry in like... 9 months?? The past few months my brain always felt jammed when I tried to pen something down. Hopefully it'll be better. Trying to polish my brain so it's ready for some serious workout the next little while...

Today was one of those special day. A few of us volunteers rented a boat to go around Tonle Sap and we invited a few families to have dinner on the boat. Each family cooked a dish and we all shared the food. Although the view was not spectacular but it was really kind of nice. Nice and breezy. And I guess it's the company that makes all the difference. As I was coming back, riding at the back of the van with Ming Soram and Dotla and Nait and Niet, I couldn't help but thinking how fortunate am I, to be around with these lovely people. Everyday and each experience is different and I hope I treasure each one with care. Certain experience may never be repeated again...

This is also one of the nights that I experienced the worst of the Cambodian experience. My next door neighbour is having one of those "Bon" (a festival/party related to either cultural tradition or Buddhist ritual) and the music is SOOOOO loud that I think anyone that go near the house will suffer hearing damage to a certain degree. Unfortunately, my house is almost immediate next to the origin of the music. The music just seems so much louder than usual. It is almost insane. It's so loud that the glass door/window is rattling and shaking. It is like having your normal pub/discoteque next to your house, except that it's open air and you can hear every single song LOUD and CLEAR and the bass is so powerful that it feels as if your heart is synchronized to the beat. Quite appalling. This is the one thing that puzzles me the most. Why do Cambodians like their music to be blasted so loud like there's no tomorrow, at every wedding, funeral or party. One of the Cambodians told me that it's because they don't like to talk, so they have the music turned up really loud. Plus it'll cover the noises made by those who're drunk.

What a day mixed with both positive and negative experience. Sending off Apple and saying goodbye to her, shopping and preparing for the boat party in the evening and the boat party itself, and even though it really isn't pleasant to lose sleep over the incredibly loud music, I must say that it's been an incredible day.

So, I spent a fair amount of time last night reading the last bit of "Surviving the Killing Fields: Cambodian Odyssey" and rubbing on my bruises. It was kind of difficult to do it because of the angle and trying to get the maximum lighting to read. A really good book. I was deeply moved by Haing Ngor's story and the details he gave about the tragic genocide during the Khmer Rouge regime in 1975-1979. Such a sad sad story and it wasn't just a story. All that gruesome and unthinkable details actually happened.

Anyway.... back to the story of my bruises and how I got them. On Sunday, I took Bo Bo out for a walk as usual, so he doesn't go mad from not being able to relieve himself. So there we were, doing our usual route through the dirt road at the back of the factory at RDI, and I passed by Yean's house. They have this ugly looking dog named Jamie and she's had so many litters of puppies that no one really knows how many puppies she's had. Well, she seems to have taken a disliking towards Bo Bo for some reason and always either growls at Bo Bo when we walk past Yean's house or simply throws a mean look at him. This day was no different but she actually came out of the house and ran towards Bo Bo and growled at him. I was like, "yeah right, girl, I don't think so. We have the right to walk here." and I just ignored her. This dog.... had the audacity to come from behind and attacked me! Gave a very quick bite and ran away. Bad dog! At first I thought it was just a nib, but it became more painful than I thought afterwards. There was two bite marks but no bleeding. Just a little bit of blood when I tried to clean it after. The next day there were bruises around the bite mark. Come to think of it, Bo Bo was either oblivious like me or was just too scared to protect me. I can't count on him to protect me in times of trouble. Sigh... Anyhow... I still love him..


So, that was the very boring story of my bruise. There's another story of my other 2 big bruises with one on each side of arm near my wrist, and one small bruise on the inside of my left arm. I shall continue to bore you with more details. These nasty looking bruises came from my kungfu lesson. "Wing Chun" to be exact. Jon, a student from England has been learning Wing Chun for 5 years. When I found that out I volunteered to learn from him. Hahahaha... The last lesson we had (I've had 3 lessons so far), I did some blocking moves with him and needless to say, his arms are a lot stronger than mine. I needed to use my arms to block his attack and we did that for a few minutes. Later that evening, the bruises started to appear and Judy was like, "Hannah, what's that on your arms!!?? Stop doing that to yourself!!"




If you know me, you'd know that I can't let any bruises go. I have to rub on them, until they're nice and purplish or red. I used to volunteer to rub bruises for others if I see anyone with bruises. Nowadays I have a little more self control so I haven't done that to anyone here or maybe I just don't notice them... Fortunately or unfortunately, I haven't had any lesson since then. Jon and Fran (fellow classmate) went off to Preak Russei to do some survey shortly after and they're not around for most of this week. I guess I should review/practice on my own.

Well, so that's the end of the story of my bruises. *Yawn*.

Went to a wake this evening. Sophak, my language tutor, her mother passed away suddenly today. Apparently she fell down some time ago and suffered some sort of fracture and got a cast recently. For some strange reason she went from not so well to really sick, after being prescribed some medicine from the hospital. The kind of medical care in this country..... Sigh. I don't know....

Sophak received a phone call probably some time during lunch. Her neighbour told her that her mom wasn't doing well and she should come home right away. So she rushed home. Sadly, before she could get home, her mom passed away. I can't imagine how she was feeling as she received the dreadful call to go home. And how bad she must've felt when she found out that her mom passed away before she could get home to her. What do you say to someone who has to deal with the unexpected death of a loved ones? Dealing with death is painful enough, let alone a sudden one. Such a tragic and freak ...... incident. My heart goes to her. She's one of the sweetest person I've ever met. Always gentle, caring and patient, soft spoken and loved by everyone. So petite and cute. You just want to hug her when you see her. I don't think anyone can say anything harsh to her.

I always enjoy my lesson with her, because she's so patient. It's a great arrangement. I take lesson from her and she does TOEFL class with me. You can tell, she's someone who's genuinely interested in wanting to make a difference for this country. Passion, that's it. Working not because for money (which is rare here), but because of the desire to want to make an impact.

I'm always amazed at how Khmers handle situation like this. Be it death or birth or weddings. Always a laid back attitude, as if nothing better/worse could happen. At times it almost seems.... resigned... She seemed surprisingly composed to me at the wake. I probably wouldn't even be able to speak if I were to go through the same thing.

I'm never good at situation like this. Lack of words compounded by my quiet nature. I guess maybe silence is better sometimes. Some things are lacking in this country, but there're a few things that are not: weddings, births, deaths and illnesses. Those and NGOs....

Tis been a sick week at RDI. One by one, we all got sick. Well, not all, but quite a few of us. This is one of the reasons why I'm up at 5:30a.m. blogging. When you keep having to run for the toilet every 5 minutes, there's really no sense in getting back to sleep. 5:30 isn't exactly early but my usual waking time is 7-7:30a.

I think I probably managed to get about 3 hours of sleep. For that, I'm grateful that I slept a whole lot for the past few days. The past few days have become a little blur to me, the memories seem to diffuse into one long day. Everything seemed to happen in one day but upon digging deeper and with some effort of concentration, they're actually separate occasions on different days. Fragments of memories seem to weave in and out. It's probably the aftermath of the fever. At one point, my temperature hit 39C and I was beginning to feel delirious. People coming in and out of my house. Judy took such good care of me by giving me cold compress, keeping me company, fetching me water, etc... Now that she left for Hanoi for 2 weeks, the house's starting to feel empty again. Can't imagine how I survived for 6 months before she came.

Last Thursday or Friday, Sophie (a Dutch student) started to feel unwell. Diarrhea, vomiting, and maybe fever. It was strange to see Sophie to be so withdrawn and sedated as she's usually very cheerful and brings joy and laughter with her positive attitude. For some unfortunate reason, she left the country for the weekend, feeling ill. She was sick throughout the weekend. The good thing was that she checked in to a pretty good hotel at a bargain. Actually before Sophie, Judy my housemate fell ill too. She vomited 7 times in a day. Think maybe she had diarrhea too, but she lost about 2-3kg just from vomitting. She was really sick. That probably knocked her out for about 2-3 days??

I became the next victim, although I'm not sure if we all suffered from the same illness. On Tuesday, I started to feel lethargic and guess what, I had no appetite. That is very unusual for me, as I almost always eat what's in front of me. Ate some bread for breakfast with vegemite. Ate a half bowl of soup with rice for lunch and shortly after lunch, I felt the uneasiness around my chest. Later on I found out that it was the prelude to .... days of vomiting, diarrhea and fever.

Fast forward.... It's now Saturday morning, one day after I woke up at 5:30a.m.. I don't think I have ever been so violently sick before. Pretty interesting experience. Last night, I decided to ask Ming to make me some more porridge. I thought I should just have that, since the night before when I had porridge with the pork, my stomach turned into non-stop gas generating factory. The whole night, I felt like there're bubbles in my stomach all the time. My stomach didn't settle until about 1a.m., just before the non-stop diarrhea started...

Anyway, so, my porridge was there. And then I saw the ming's famous fried chicken. They look soooooo good. How can I resist Ming's fried chicken?? By now I was really getting sick of my stomach. I thought, since my stomach is not working well anyway and whatever I eat, it's spitting right back out (I couldn't even eat an orange nor the re-hydration drink safely!), I might as well eat something I enjoy. So I ate the chicken....with the porridge. Almost immediately after dinner, I felt ill, as if I was going to collapse. Went to the lab to get something and after diarrhea-ing whatever's in my stomach, I felt better.

By then, Suar, came to the lab to look at my err...... stool sample, in the parasite lab. I almost got to see what's under the microscope when the phone rang. International call. 3 times. But alas, no matter how fast I picked up the calls, they got cut off. Waited and waited and hoping that the stupid network will have mercy on me for once. In the meantime, I was trying to send some e-mail for Judy, but the network is soooooo slow that it could drive anyone to tears.... It's only a 3MB file!!???

I sat there thinking surely it can't get any worse.... There's nothing I can do but to endure. This is life. Things happen. Sometimes you get sick, sometimes your e-mail don't get through, sometimes you miss an important call, sometimes you get frustrated, sometimes people don't like you.... The list goes on. But whatever it is, life always has a way of getting you. So, move on! It made me laugh for some reason, just thinking about why things can be so bad. Once I laughed, it made me feel better. And I remembered, all the smses and messages on msn asking how I'm doing. J even activated some 17 people to pray for me. Poor J, she became the messenger for different people, but it warms my heart that people care, even from afar.

Despite all the vomiting and the numerous visits to the bathroom, and the feeling of hot and cold alternating, I still managed to do things that made me happy. Like, looking at the face of my stupid dog. I don't know why Bo Bo always have that innocent look on his face! Now that I know, at least when I leave, someone nice will take care of him. And I watched an episode of Coffee Prince.

This morning I read Psalm 139 and I was comforted by it.

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Thank God I'm alive and have all four limbs intact. Health is not to be taken for granted. Do things that please God while you can.