Ah mah (grandma) went home to be with the Lord yesterday around 7a.m. She now has a permanent address in heaven. I know this is the best ending and I'm happy that she's finally rested in the house of God, but somehow I'm having problems stoppping the pain of losing her. Dad choked when he called me yesterday. I think it was the first time I heard him cried. He has always been calm and cool (except when he can't find his glasses).

Ah mah, I'll recite you Psalm 23 in Chinese when I see you again in heaven. I memorised it yesterday.

Dear grandma,

Although I've prepared myself since long ago that one day, I will receive the phone call that tells me that you're going away, still, it came as a shock to hear that you've had a stroke and half of your body has lost its function. I guesss I have been selfish to secretly wish that you will always be there when I come home each time, or that you can watch me get married and I'll be able to proudly proclaim that you're great grandma to my kids, or to be able to hug you and to touch the silvery white hair of yours, or to hear you sing the song that you learned when you were a kid with a voice that sounds like a little girl, or to hear the many stories of how you managed to raise all 5 children single-handedly, or to hear you pray and sing hymns with such passion, or to watch the wrinkled face of yours, or to hear what marvellous things God has done in your life...

I broke down when I called you, as you struggled to make noise to communicate with me. My heart ached further as dad tells me that not only have you lost the ability to speak, you've also lost your vision and the ability to eat or drink. I know that what you really want now is to be home with the Lord, and I know that these few years haven't been easy for you as your body starts to fail you slowly and you feel that God is slow in answering your prayer. We've often talked about your desire to be with the Lord and everytime I'm amazed, of how well prepared you are, everything from what you will wear (they're very well kept, I must say), what display photo to use, and where you wish to send your ash to. To be honest, I don't know why God hasn't taken you away, and why He has given you many more years when you thought you had no reason to stay back. Perhaps God wanted to bless many others through your life. I know I have been so wonderfully blessed to have you as my grandma and many times I couldn't have made it if it weren't for your constant prayers and encouragement. Indeed God has been gracious to our family that we had the opportunity to live with you. Your life has a deep impact on mine. Your faith, your testimony and your unconditional love for your children and grandchildren and great grandchildren, they are something that I will always cherish. The joy that you've brought to my life and to the family is invaluable. I'm sorry that I haven't always been there for the past few years. I feel guilty that I didn't decide to go back earlier and keep you company for the last of your years. I know you have always longed to see me come home. Still remember how you used to prepare your famous sea cucumber for me, and how you fussed about getting the kampung chicken to make chicken soup, and the many interesting food you made that I don't know the name, before you became to weak to cook. Oh, did I tell you that I loved to eat the pickles you made from the vegetables you grew at the backyard? So many fond memories we shared, I will cherish them.

Grandma, if you're feeling down and miserable because you can't move or speak or see, please don't forget that you're not alone. You're surrounded by people who love you and respect you very much. You said that you've lived a hard life, but don't worry, God has prepared some great rewards for you in heaven, because you have run a full race, faithfully. He has seen how you have devoted your life and loved him. He knows. If you're afraid, remember:

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You annoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

- Psalm 23

And oh, once again, please remember that I love you, very very much. If God decides to take you home soon,

別擔心﹐ 我 一切都好。
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我會過得很好。
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我會想念你。
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謝謝你愛我。

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Some of the expressions that describe how I feel every morning:

1. Run over by a bus/truck

2. An old and battered floor mat that everyone's stepped on

3. That I'm drowning and there's no one around to save me

4. A lonely toilet paper roll that's reaching the end of its roll

5. A loser that's been hit by a heavyweight champion and about to pass out

6. An obsolete computer (486??) that nobody wants

7. An old and heavy FORD

8. A pair of glasses that a big fat lady has accidentally sat on

9. A runaway train that's falling off a cliff

10. That some idiot has grabbed my head and shake it so violently that it's induced a constant spinning feeling

11. An overstretched rubber band

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