This is kind of how i feel these days. A little too busy, a little too lost, a little too numb, a little too blind.

I think sometimes when you want something badly, you'll make things sound more than what it is. But I'm not sure where do I draw the line. Is it just my imagination/exaggeration, or are things really that bad?

The past few weeks have been almost unbearable, but also a time of joy and bonding with my family. I guess it's God's grace. He knew it would be hard time for me, so He gave me a week in between to relax.

I hate it when people thought I'm having a good time when I travel around for work. But I know I can't blame them, and then I'd feel the need to explain myself, that it really is no fun, and I hardly had time to do anything but work. "Yes, I went to Mauritius. No, I didn't go anywhere but three places; airport, hotel and site. No, I didn't buy anything. No, I didn't eat anything but hotel food, but I had bee hoon most of the time for lunch. Yes, there's bee hoon, cos there're chinese people around. Yes, I went to the beach, once at 6a.m. for 10 min, and another on the last day for another 10 min....."

I think I'll go crazy if any of my colleagues asked "so how was holiday in Mauritius?" Holiday?? Holiday?? Out of all people.....

Ok, so things were not all that bad. I did enjoy the ride from the hotel to site although it was long and windy and bumpy. Sometimes I could see a lot of stars at night along the way. Still, it felt like the longest 10 days of my life. I felt pretty useless and powerless, and the longer I work, the more I think I really know nothing at all. Does anyone know anything at all?? Where do I find solution?? How do I solve all these problems?? What if I damage the system because of my negligence? Have I checked everything?? This is a terrible design! Why did we design this and this? Why did we not think about all these before? Questions with no answers. At one point, I was ready to give up. On the way back to hotel that evening, I wanted to cry. Everywhere we turn, there's a problem lying silently for us to discover. In the midst of this, I started asking, where is God in all this? What does God expect me to do? And then I asked, "what am I doing here? What am I busy for? How did I get myself into this? What do I get by being so stressed? Where is the end? Where's my silver lining?" I couldn't see the light. I tried to remember.

"I lift up my eyes to the hills - where does my help come from? (thought that was quite fitting, we were surrounded by mountains). My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." (Psalms 121:1-2)

I could only remember fractions of it. It was hard to focus. Things didn't get easier, and there were still many problems that made my head hurt, but amazingly, I came to the end. It was time to go back. I was so tired that I started to sleep on the cab on the way to the airport. It was such a long journey with twists and turns.. It's a gift too I guess. I slept through almost the entire 7 hr flight.

I guess I don't want to turn into a robot who just works without feelings and passion and becomes blind eventually. Blind towards people around me, their needs, their feelings, their world. Blind towards myself. Will the world eventually exclude me?